Standing alone in the balcony, I looked around. It was dark everywhere. I asked myself, “Who am I?”
It was 3.15 am at the watch. Someone said it is the time when ghost used to return back to their houses. It was not safe outside.
Should I get scared? Not today.
Somewhere within there is this desire to meet one of these ghost. I smiled at no one. I wanted to see who is scarier, the ghost that I meet or the one that is inside me.
When I rewind my past or scan the present, I look like more of a psychopath. But, I was not sure whether that is the correct word to define my status. I know I don’t have emotions for anyone around me. But then, psychopath is not perfect word. Loveless !!! may be. Alone !!! may be. Selfish!!! May be.
All I do, are things that I like to do. And in the way if someone gets hurt or crushed, I hardly care. Isn’t that selfish? I don’t know. But then, I keep doing these things because it pleases me, it makes me happy. And when I get over it, I just leave, I just run away, without looking back, without bothering about any other soul except mine. Now that can be defined as psychopath, selfish etc. etc. And that’s scarier than the ghost outside.
So, why do I do these things, even when I know that people are going to get hurt? Is it because I have a ghost inside me. The one that overpowers me, taking control over my soul. And who hardly cares about any rational thinking. May be the ghost inside me enjoys the pain injected in others. It laughs within me. And it really knows how to win over others. It’s sort of a dream, when I am onto something, I don’t even realize what I am doing. It’s like someone else is running my life. The madness could range from leaving someone when I was needed the most, beating someone without a proper reason, stalking someone, bothering someone’s life by uninterrupted calls, shouting at someone at odd times and so on. The list of creativity does not end. And when later I think about it, I feel it was not me. I could never do such things. Now I know, the ghost within me inspires, instigate me to do these negative things, dark bad things which a normal rational man can’t even think of.
Blame it on someone? It sounds like I am just trying to blame someone for all my misdeeds. How can there be a ghost inside someone. It’s just me. May be it’s not he who is overpowering me, but instead it’s me who is creating him and ensuring that he wins. May be I have started liking him.
Why don’t I control him or even kill him? Why will I kill the devil within me? Why I feel bad when it empowers me, makes me win. It’s like the black spider man. It’s bad, but it’s more powerful. In the movie spider man takes out the blackness in him, but that’s just a movie. In real world it good to be powerful, emotion less. It makes you fit for this world. This world hardly cares about emotions, people hardly have time to think about others. Everyone is just thinking about themselves. I walk in street in broad daylight and I just see all ghosts, all devils walking around with nice dresses trying to cover the darkness within them.
So when I declare that I am a devil, am I really wrong? Am I really a psychopath?
We may hate Hitler as tried to conquer the world and killed many. He had a dark soul. But who does want to rule the world, may be not in Hitler fashion but then definitely in some other style.
I too want to rule the world, but not as big as what Hitler thought. I just want to rule my world. My life, my wishes, my wins. Why should I care about others? I am just answerable to myself in this life. I am not answerable to anyone else.
I am a ghost. And I am not scared today.