Still lying in the bed, almost half dead, I kept staring at the ceiling. This has more or less become a regular habit for me now. The habit of looking at the blankness of the ceiling. Feeling the hollowness within me.
That’s a pretty negative though about oneself. May be! But then whom should I lie? I know it’s for real. I know the 200 friends that I have in facebook are just for the sake. I know the smiles that I send in whatsapp are just emoji’s, not me. I know that I changed the ‘dp’ every now and then, but then again it’s just a pic. Not me.
So, what I am pretending off? I know exactly that my life is just hollow, vacuum inside and has no purpose whatsoever. So, am I fake too? Who am I then?
Am I the one who smiles at people, talk to people, share jokes, gives inspirational lectures? Or am I the one who stares at the blank ceiling for hours feeling the blankness of it.
Is everything around me is just fake? I had no answers.
C’mon, it’s okay to feel to feel low sometimes and feel that whole world is against you. Have all the negative thoughts in abundance and cry over everything. So what, it’s your life, and you can live the way you want.
The problem is I am not getting happy any more. I don’t know why. May be the answers I am looking for are still evading me? May be I don’t want to find answers to certain questions about my life? May be I am just frustrated with my life now? I don’t know.
I could not think any further. And in that half –dead frame of mind just got up from the bed.
There she was sitting near the window totally engrossed in the book in her lap. The mild breeze from the window kept on playing softly with her hair. The sunlight trying hard to penetrate immediately through the blowing strings of her hairs. She made no movements what so ever, as if trying to defy the wrath of these negative forces. ‘No one can disturb me’, was the clear message she was sending out. Her face looked more fair, more bright, more beautiful.
Few minutes back I was thinking about the blankness of the ceiling and right now I have in front of me a picture of life, a picture of beauty. I shook my head. I don’t know what I want.
“What are you reading”, I asked in a very tired tone.
“Bridge Across Forever”
“You know I don’t like someone touching my personal collections”, I sounded angry
“I was just trying to remove dirt. You keep collection, but you don’t keep it clean. I am with you long enough to know your habits, and I want a clean house. And by the way, I didn’t looked into your collection, the book just fell off the shelf, so I took it”
“Anyway, you are not going to like the book”
“Let’s see, the beginning seems to be quite interesting. And anyway there is hardly anything interesting for me to do on a holiday”
“We can talk”
“Really !!!” she said and followed it with that mesmerizing laugh of her. The echos of which stays for long hours with me.
Why can’t she just allow me to be angry or just shout at her? Sometime she is just too perfect. And I really hate perfections in this imperfect world.
“Do you love me?” I asked in the most emotional voice that I could garner
And immediately I got that strange stare.
Oh god, I really love those eyes. With a reflection from the sunlight her light brown pupil shinned like a diamond. Her long eyelashes splashing like a wave over her eyes. Those were perfect eyes for me.
“What is that? Now you want me to answer that?”
I want to draw those eyes right now. I wanted to keep those expressions forever with me. But then, I could not keep looking at her. I didn’t wanted her to read my expressions, it will be mismatch to the question that I asked, kind of.
Why can’t she just say a simple yes or no? Why she has to throw that question back at me? But then, I know she doesn’t have to answer that. May be I need to answer that question more clearly than her. It’s me who seems to be confused here.
I got up, went up to her. Held her from behind. She turned her face. I looked at those eyes. The love, the dreams, the brightness, the mischief, the smile, her eyes showed all to me. Her mesmerizing, ‘listen to my heart’ looks, was enough for me to make me fall in love again and again.
I thought, ‘Yes I am in Love’. I knew nothing else could have defined my feelings in a better way. It was just to confirm and to clear the confusions that I was having for past many days.
But, is this really love? When I just forget myself, and get completely lost at something so beautiful.
She saw that look in me, turned her face and started doing whatever she was doing.
She softly said “Yes, it is love.”
What? Am I so predictable?
She continued, “Yes, it is love, but you cannot experience it. The moment you feel you are getting lost yourself in my eyes, you stop yourself”.
Now, what was that? I almost said it loud. Is she telling the truth? Do I really stop loosing myself to her eyes? Why do I do that if I do that at all?
She turned to face me and looked deep into my eyes, “You and your so called ego. The very you, which thinks that it’s not possible for you, YOU, to melt down to a girl. Your ego does not permit you that. So, instead of going further into my eyes, your brain stops you, erects walls all around you. And then you are gone. You simply go away. And it becomes impossible to bring you back. It’s not that you don’t love me. But your walls are so strong that probably you will allow no one to even come near you, near the very soul, you think about so much. What you are trying is just giving an explanation or an excuse to run away. Your egoistic brain trying to convince your loving brain that you are not in love, that this is not right, that soulmates do not exist. All that you are trying is find a reason to run away”
I think I don’t need any reason to run now. I just hate her now. I can’t afford to lose my inner thoughts to someone so easily. She is not supposed to predict me that well.
But then, she is wrong. I don’t have an ego problem. May be it’s just her ego, and it’s just explanation that she is giving it to herself. How can she even think that I am trying to run away from her?
No, that’s wrong. I don’t have anything wrong with her. All I am trying is to give an explanation to my feelings. I am trying to understand the true meaning of love or soulmates.
I know I am not perfect. And I strongly believe that no one else is also perfect. Even I know that she has some imperfections in her. She may try to hide it, but I will find it one day. She might see as my ego. But I simply can’t believe that someone can be so perfect for someone else. There has to be something more to it.
If everything else seems to be fake to me, how can this be real? How can she be real? How can her love for me be real?
I knew she was watching the crease that got created in my forehead. I turned my face, before I become too predictable.
And just said “May be” before I left the room.
I was sure she doesn’t understand me at all !!!