The deep scar within him…

8515738567_fccc345624_mFew people took out the body like structure from the truck and placed it in the ground. Sid’s uncle pushed him and brought him near the structures. One of the man removed the cover from the structures and Sid saw his parent’s bodies.

As a ten year old, he was too young to have any reactions immediately, but he could gather that they are no more. He looked around, saw lots of unknown faces, and could not make any sense out of it.

Slowly he went near his mother’s body and sat there. Her face was pale but peaceful. He held her hand and could not stop the tears, her hand was cold. “I can never talk to her again, she can never love me again”, the thought was painful. And then there was no stopping of his tears. He could hear the noise that erupted near him. Everyone seem to cry and shout at the same time. But, then he was in his world, slowly drifting towards a silence.

He wished his parent’s had listened to him and agreed not to send him to boarding school, at least he could have spoken to his parents in the death bed for the last time. But then, he was a normal boy who has never learnt to disobey his parents. And he still recall that day when his parents gave him the news.

 His father had said, “You have to study; You have to grow up in life and be a great man”.

 To which he had replied, “But I can stay with you all and study also”

 They had said “The boarding school which we have selected is among the best one. You will learn things which you can’t learn otherwise. Moreover we are very busy nowadays and can’t put the enough time and effort. You are growing and you need proper direction”

 He had said “but I don’t know anyone there. I get scared of unknown people. I want to stay with you.”

 To which they had replied, “It’s okay baby, soon you will make friends, don’t worry. There are lots of students like you. You will adjust with them. And anyway every now and then one of us will be visiting you, you will also come to stay with us during your holidays. You will not even realize how days will pass by. And all you need to do is to concentrate and study. Don’t keep on thinking about us too much”

 He did heard everything, but understood nothing. They seemed to be really concerned. And he also felt that they will do whatever is best for him. But, he can’t live without them, and they should have known and understood that.  

 And after two years of lonely, frustrated, abandon life, he now suddenly hears this news of car accident that took away his parents silently away from him. He was too young to understand life and he could hardly anticipate how things are going to change around him. All he knew by now was that there is no one in his life who could take care of him. Right now all he knew is that there is one uncle who will take care of his expenditures till he becomes a graduate. He hated him. 

 Few people came and took their bodies again. He didn’t stop them. He knew his parents have left him to stay with some unknowns.

Out in the open no one saw anything changed in him but then within him something hit him pretty hard, putting a scare somewhere deep inside him. Sid could never come out of it. And from that day his life changed. He was never the same. He didn’t searched for that care and love again.

 He hated to feel helpless. He decided that he will never feel abandoned again.  

 But then, his life was just beginning in this world of strangers.

 The story continues …

 

After 8 years, when Sid was doing engineering … and on one day

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Sid keeps staring at the white sheet of paper in front of him. Suddenly an unknown fear grips him. Is this white sheet of paper scaring him? But, How can a simple white paper scare anyone?

Is it the blankness of screen, that is scaring him?

Sid don’t know. But, if he don’t cover that blankness with something, it will keep haunting him forever. He starts to write down something in that sheet of paper, but he can’t, his hands are shaking.

And he keeps thinking, “What is happening to me?”

Sid decides to let go this surge of nervousness, uneasiness, tension or fear. He closes his eyes. Maybe now he can think of writing something on that blank page.

Nothing? Its dark everywhere. He can’t see any images, it scares him more. Closing his eyes lands him into the land of darkness from the land of blankness, an unknown fear grips him.

He opens his eyes, feeling frustrated and helpless. He stands up from the chair and looks at the white sheet of papers once again. He walks near the window and sees the sun settling somewhere far away. The sun is losing its charm, it’s brightness is going down slowly and slowly. .

He thinks, “Am I drawing an analogy? Why am I so scared of reality? Why I don’t want to think anything?”

He takes the glass of water and finishes it at one go, but keeps thinking, “Why am I getting scared? Scared of What? Am I scared of becoming invisible, losing my charm? I am scared of writing the truth”

Sid lights another cigarette and inhales lot of nicotine. “Another way of moving to the death bed early”, he thinks.

Sid walks to the mirror, and looks at himself, and says loud to no one, “Why am I so scared? Scared of this blankness, darkness etc. what are these?”

His shadow in the mirror looks calm. Maybe the nicotine has a faster effect in him then he has anticipated. Suddenly he feels as if the image in the mirror is saying, “You are scared of yourself, the blankness and the darkness inside yourself. And that’s the truth. They are nothing but just the hatred, frustration, revenge etc. and you yourself created it inside you.”

Sid asks, “But why, why I have this darkness inside me”

The shadow replies calmly, “It’s your creation. It’s very difficult for anyone to understand and acknowledge the fact that he or she is just a simple normal person. And that’s what you are. But, no, you will not understand that, all you want is to be special, something different. And set extremely high standards for yourself, once you are not able to achieve those, there is frustration inside your, an unknown hatred or a sense of revenge against everyone. And that’s what is creating this darkness inside you”

And that makes Sid angry at his image, “What are you saying? Who wants to be called a normal person? Of course I want to be special, at least special for someone, if not for all. I want appreciations and that’s why I set up high standard for myself. I have capabilities also, and I can prove to the world that I am different”.

The image smiles “Does it really matter what you think? Does it really matter what you do or what you want. Do you really get what you desire or want?”

“Of course it matter” Sid shouted immediately “Sometimes I may not get what I want, or maybe I don’t get what I want. But I work, I can work. I can put my soul into everything, I can achieve anything. I am born with hundreds of ambitions, desires and energy”

His image keeps smiling “Don’t you realize that something somewhere control everything around you. This super power is extremely powerful, powerful enough to control your destiny and everything around you. No matter what effort you put in, if that’s not in your destiny you will never get it”

“No, I don’t care, I can create my own destiny” he kept shouting. “I know he created a net of such complexities around me that I ended up nowhere. I lost myself in struggling to survive, live for others and creating pseudo happiness around me. I struggled in my relationships, I don’t have close friends, and what not. No one, simply no came for my rescue. I faced all onslaughts alone, but I survived. And still surviving, but everything inside me became blank, just like a blank paper. I have no emotions left, I don’t cry. I start a fight or hurt people with my sense of humour. But, I am still fighting and will fight till the end of my life. I will come up against my destiny”

He took a breathe and continued “everyone kept criticizing me, tried finding faults in me. My parent left me, and they never even gave a chance to say what I want. Many said I didn’t put my sincere effort or not enough hard work. I heard everything. But now I want to live my own life, I want to be what I am. I don’t understand why it is so scary”

 The shadow kept his cool and said “Every anger, hatred against them kept boiling inside you because you know you did put in effort. In fact, you put in everything that you had inside you. But, it doesn’t matter. This complexity which is created around you is your destiny. You are in the rush for your ambitions, for something. That something which probably you don’t know what is? And you ruined everything. You ruined your life”

 Sid kept shouting “maybe I don’t know what I am running after exactly. But I want something and I am ready to put everything in life to get it”

The shadow paused for a little and spoke again “But does everyone get what they wish for? No. they don’t. Everything has a limit. It’s just that situation were never under your control. You have no super powers. You are nothing against the might of this unknown super power who controls your life. You are just a puppet in his arms and he makes you sing and dance the way he wants you to. You are now just a living person without a soul”

Sid calmly replied “I did mistakes, I agree. Everyone does them. But I did repented, said sorry, and rectified. But, was it necessary to offer me the strongest punishment for such mistakes. Well, maybe I deserved it. In relationships, I was never able to understand others. They termed me selfish, egoist, irritating, bore, non-humours and what not. Overall no one liked me, appreciated me. I am neither cared nor I want to care.”

The shadow smiled “How long can you carry this? Just look at people around you, everyone is happy, successful, enjoying life. Why can’t you? Why you don’t have anything which makes you happy? All you have to do is to leave everything to destiny. Don’t aspire high enough that you can’t achieve. Learn to be happy with what you have, learn to appreciate others with what they have and soon they will appreciate with the way you are. You can’t fight the superpower, your destiny. The best possible way to be happy is to surrender yourself to it.”

Sid looked at the mirror for the last time. He smiled, the mirror is right. His restlessness is gone now and he is not scared anymore.

He thought “All I have to do is to be a living person without a soul”

Sid closes his diary after writing down his thoughts.

His lonely life continues….

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