At one point of time, many a days ago, I concluded that I can be happy if I remove my past from my memory. It was easy then, I stored all my memories into various closets, closed them and stacked them somewhere deep inside my memory. Normally it’s not required to retrieve the same. So, I forgot the past.
But, if under certain extreme condition, it is needed, all I had to do was to take out that particular box, open it, read the content, and then close it, keep it somewhere safe. I am not sure what emotions it raised within me when I saw the content, but then I was okay doing that for many days.
But suddenly, something changed, and one particular incident disturbed me. A new thought came into existence from nowhere — Can I really remove my past? Or rather try to forget it. Thinking deeply I realised that it is the past that created me, my choices in the past created me. The ‘me’ in this present time is what I created through all my actions and thoughts in the past. So, even when I try to remove the same from my mind, still it is just me from the past. My existence is nothing without the past.
When I rewind my life back to my past, I witness many a situation that demanded decisions. And as a result of all the decisions I took at those moment, I, at this present time, is created.
What if I think about those decisions and decide to take a different decision. Will I be same? Of course not. So, then how can I forget my past?
If I can’t forget my past, what do I do with it? May be the question is not about forgetting the past, question is whether I should regret taking a decision in the past or not? Again, a confusing thought. How do I know with all certainty that all the decisions that I have taken in past are the best one?
I don’t know what life would have been, had I not taken those decisions. And that worries me. Because deep down, I do know that I might have taken many wrong decisions. But then it’s life, and I am not supposed to be perfect in all sense. What I might have decided at a certain point, must have been influenced by my thoughts at that time, the environment around me at that time. so, how these wrong decisions have effected me?
Am I still the same? Do I think in the same way life before? Or something has changed?
I don’t know. I don’t know who I am right now. I am not even sure what is right or what is wrong for me at this moment.
And these thoughts have simply taken away my sleep for past many days. But it’s not the sleep that I am worried of, it’s the complexity of these thoughts that are bothering me. How do I know that whatever I am doing at this moment is the right thing to do? Or I am just repeating the same mistakes that I had done earlier?
Here again, If I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of my past, I have to check it with my past. And then how can I remove my past altogether? Contrary to that, if I don’t remove the past from my memory, how can I be even happy?
The very fact that I might have taken many wrong decisions in the past keeps haunting me, I want to remove them from my memory. I want a fresh life. But I can’t remove them. I can’t have a fresh life if the mistakes I did in past are still repeated.
I looked at her with a smile.
She asked “Why are you smiling?”
I kept looking at her, with a smile that has no meaning, “I don’t know?” I stayed silent for a moment and then said again, “I think you remind me of someone?”
“Who?” she asked quizzing
“I am not very sure of that. To be very frank, I don’t know what I am thinking right now. I am trying to draw a picture and I am not able to see the expression that I want to see in the picture. It’s frustrating”, I say
“Not again!!! You and your confusions. I don’t understand why you can’t take things in a simple way. Why do you have to think so much”,
“I will die if I don’t think”
“C’mon, don’t give me your absurds. No one dies for not thinking. Well, thinking is okay, but making things complicated without any pretext is dangerous. And I am really surprised that you keep trying to find something in everything”
I laughed, “That’s a good one, trying to find something in everything”.
Is it true? But, everything does have something in them, otherwise it doesn’t exists. Issue is it really worth finding? What if it is not worth?
She said again, “Sometimes it’s worth nothing? You waste your time looking for something interesting, and then you don’t find anything and that constantly increases your frustration with everything around you?”
“May be, but the fact is, I don’t know what I am looking for. And I don’t know whether the things I discover are really interesting or not. I am not even sure whether I will discover anything or not. But, everything does has something to offer. And it depends in our perspectives whether we find it interesting or not”
“But you can’t keep changing your perspectives. The problem with you is, you go on looking for something, not sure whether it’s interesting or not, or whether there is something or not. You involve the other person, and at one point of time, you move on, without even bothering for the other person at all.”
“But, that not my fault. I am like that” I said in an apologetic tone
“No, the problem is, it’s not interesting for you. The other person may have many things to offer, and may be interesting too. But, you don’t find it interesting. Because you don’t know what you are looking for. And you just make the other person feel as if there is nothing in that person, which is wrong”
“May be, what you are saying is correct. I don’t know what I am looking for. But that’s not a way to judge me. The fact is, I am too much in my world, and I just don’t allow anyone to slip into my world. I don’t know how the other person feels, because for me it’s my world which is more important. It may sound selfish, but then who in this world is not selfish. It may be so that I am difficult to understand and people measure me with the same yardstick prevalent in their environment. Everyone will have someone or the other to offer them the support, I am just not the right guy”
“You are really pathetic. You are so scared of yourself, that you don’t even go deep. You look at the superficial layer of the people and conclude. Maybe it’s you who has nothing to offer”
I got worried by her last statement. What if I don’t have anything to offer? What if I don’t have anything interesting in me?
I got scared.
“Am I interesting?”
“Sometimes” She laughed loud. “I knew you will ask this question. I don’t know what scares you so much. May be something really terrible has happened in you past”
And there, she said it. It was as if I was waiting to hear that. At least she did solved one issue for me.
Maybe something terrible has happened in my past, but which one? When I rewind back into my past, I see many terrible incidents, so which one resulted in a change in me. Or is it a culmination of everything in my past.
Was I different before those incidents, who was I then, who am I now? Am I destined to be like this? Or there is something wrong somewhere, or maybe everything is wrong with my life.
It seems, it is true that I am no one other than an extension of my past. What’s the point then to remove my past or even think about removing it?
I became sad, my chest becoming heavier. My past is not something that I want to remember. I saw many faces from the past just hovering around over my face. Everyone is staring at me with hatred, jealousy, revenge, and so on. I felt weak, I can’t stare back at them. I don’t have the strength. I just kept hiding myself from the crowd.
And then I heard her voice. I heard her calling me. I looked up, and saw her face. She came back from my past. Everything else vanished. It was just her now. I knew she would come and protect me.
My breathing became erratic, it was getting difficult for me to keep my eyes open. I looked at the blank ceiling above my head for the last time. It’s the time, I should close my eyes. Close all doors.
I have to stay alone with my past. I just want to live in my past. I just want to live with her, even if it brings in the pain and the tears again.