“What do you want from me”, her voice sounded unemotional, harsh and rough. But then, she was always like that – harsh and rude.
“I don’t want anything? And I have told you this several times. I just want to know why are so insensitive or trying to be? Why are you always ‘I just love myself’ kind of?” I said candidly.
“Yes, I am like that. My experience has taught me that to survive in this world I have to be insensitive. I just can’t afford to be sensitive. And many a times I have paid the price of being sensitive”, her tone still remained unemotional.
“But then what’s my fault here. I am not the reason for whatever has happened to you. Why I am being punished here? Why do you have to be so aloof and insensitive to me when I am not even asking any big things? All I am asking you is to treat me like anyone else, and atleast not avoid me?” I said looking at her.
Avoiding my eye contact, she continued, “No one is asking you to be with me. And you can’t expect me to change. If you don’t like the way I am, then stay away from me, it is as simple as that. And I am not avoiding you?”
I kept looking at her. Each of her statement was as sharp as arrow and straight away piercing my heart. But, that statement by her made me angry. Why do I even bother to talk with this girl? What she thinks about herself? Why do I even care? What does she mean to me? Questions like those kept on cropping in my head. I didn’t had any answer or any explanation to even one of them.
All I knew was that, she was a confused soul, not mature enough to handle my anger or outburst of emotions. And display of emotions in front of confused souls is pure wastage of emotions.
I didn’t said anything and I remained silent. I wanted the rage to calm down, I didn’t wanted to lose control over my anger. And this time I didn’t wanted to blast on her.
I took the time to do some introspection. May be she saying the truth, may be it is just my imagination that she is avoiding me? May be I actually don’t exist for her in true sense? May be I don’t even play a miniscule part in her life? May be she is happy and contended with whatever is there in her life? Maybe she has different perspective and doesn’t look at life like me? May be… and may be and so on and so forth.
If I am trying to understand a women, I think I am attempting the biggest mistake of my life. Instead I can just concentrate on my own perspective. I can’t make her understand things when she is adamant on not understanding them, I can’t even open her heart and find out what feelings she have for me, if she decide not to share those. If I try maybe I will be able to circle around the earth 2-3 times, but I know, no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to understand her or find out what’s going on inside her tiny little brain.
Instead, let me look at the whole thing from a different perspective.
“Do I exist for you?” I asked politely, unable to frame any better question.
“I don’t exactly understand what you mean by that question, but yes, you do exist.” her tone mellowed down a bit.
I was right. I am not someone who can be neglected just like that. I know I have something within me, I know she just can’t ignore me, even when she pretends like that.
She said again, “We are quite different from each other. So, when I say you exist for me, it may not mean the same for both of us. And I never forced you for anything. It’s always your choice. I respect you and there nothing more to it.”
Why is she trying to make herself so clear? Is she giving an explanation to me or to herself? Is she scared of something? What a stubborn and irrational person, the thought did occurred to me? But why am I so surprised? It was more or less what I was knew.
Everything in this world is in equilibrium, and we are used to that equilibrium. And sometime something happens and this equilibrium is disturbed, and we don’t like it. That’s the reason why we are so scared of natural calamities, flood, earthquake, cyclones, etc. all disturb this equilibrium that we are used to. But then what about the disturbances that are created by near ones, our relatives, relationships, loved ones, enemies, friends and so on.
Sometimes, someone comes in life and creates that disturbance, making it impossible for us to maintain that equilibrium. But then we try our level best to go back to that stability. Sometimes we take new steps to create stability, sometimes we avoid certain situation to remain stable, but sometimes things do go beyond our control and we see people reacting in different fashions when balance is disturbed.
Is she suffering from such a dilemma? Did I disturbed the equilibrium that she is used to? Of course it was not intentional. But maybe I just became the reality, became the mirror for her. The face that she saw in this mirror scared her, she got scared of the reality. She knew that if her equilibrium is disturbed, it will be catastrophic. And now it seems she has no option left other than not to look at the mirror. And whenever I am with her, she see herself in the mirror.
I smiled at no one. She was closely looking at my face, as if trying to judge something. But now I don’t care. Once again she proved her inferiority, her weakness in front of me to even perturb my equilibrium.
“You are a nice person and a good person. And maybe, I don’t deserve such an importance from a person like you. I am happy with my life and I have no regret whatsoever. So, let me just stay like that” she said.
I smiled again, I have reached to a convincing explanation, though a biased one. But then, I am answerable to myself only. And if I am okay with the answers, I don’t care about what others think. And this time I didn’t looked at her.
My attention was diverted to the bird flying just outside the window. It was a tiny little bird, flapping its winds vigorously to stay at its own position. The wind was blowing and it kept pushing the bird, trying to dislodge its position. The bird kept on trying.
And at last stopped trying to remain stable and tried to flew away, just to realise that it was shackled to the cage nearby. The bird was someone’s pet.
I looked towards her, smiled and said “I know”.