Why I am like this?

Man standing in rain at ocean“Why are you like this?” came the question from her as I was expecting.

I am like what? Do I really know what I am like? Do I know what I am?

Once again I created someone who is different from me. I am just surprised as to how do I create so many forms of me. An extrovert, a passionate lover, a poet, an intellectual, a smart guy, a funny guy, a social guy, a writer (Sic!!!), a silent guy, an angry guy, a frustrated guy and so on…. I am all of the above and people see what they want to see in me.

 And time and again they come back asking me ‘why I am like this’. What should I say? That I don’t know why I am like this? That I don’t know what I am like? Everyone see a different me and everyone like that different me, and I really don’t understand all this.

I have really failed to understand why I like something at one instant and don’t like it at some other moment. May be within these inconsistencies, I look for some consistency. Maybe it tells me that I am alive.

“I am always like this”, I tried to sound polite without expressing the thoughts hovering all around me.

“I can’t reach you, I can’t understand you” she said

“Ha ha ha… when I don’t understand myself, how do you even expect to understand me?” I tried diverting the conversation

“May be you want to say something to me, may be you have something to share and you are not able to trust me”. she said

“May be, but trust me, I don’t know. I have no explanation to many things. And I am not in a mood to explore them. I have already spent many hours, days and years, trying to understand myself and my thoughts. And now I have lost all hopes. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know why I do what I do”, I tried explaining her.

She was prompt in saying “That’s an escapist, and I know you are just giving an excuse to avoid me or run away from me. You could have said that earlier, atleast I would have known where I stand exactly”

“That’s your perspective, and if you think of me like that, I can’t help”. In other words I don’t even care. How pathetic situation? Now I have to listen to these simple human beings. Why I have melted down to such a soft creature, who even attempts to please or give explanations to people around. I was never like this. Few years back I was more of a tough soul, who didn’t even cared about anyone. I hardly remember giving explanations to anyone during those days. So what has changed now? Why do I try to convince the other person about the genuiness of my act now? Do I really believe that people will understand my situation or appreciate it?

A big thought struck me. Am I suffering from dual personality issues?

Or better still, am I suffering from multi-personality issues?

What are these disorders? And I almost forgot her. Are these disorders also responsible for erasing her from my memory? Who knows? May be I am suffering from a new type of illness.

“See, I ask you something and you don’t even answer anything” she almost shouted.

What should I say to her? How do I tell her that I am suffering from a multi personality disorder or dual personality disorder, or I am becoming mentally disorder, or I am becoming a ghost, or I don’t know?

“There is nothing for me to say” and I just smiled.

“I knew this moment will come, but I never expected it to come so soon”, she started sobbing

I looked at her. Should I cry with loud sound so as to make her feel that I am in a more pathetic situation? That like her I am also feeling helpless. That I am unable to truly define my feelings for her. I am also feeling bad for hurting her like that, or more so for putting her in such a bad situation.

Instead, I started laughing, and laughed loud. How can I do what I want to do when I am suffering from some sort of a disorder or illness?

She looked at me with shock. “Who are you?” she said and got up from her seat, gave me that stern ‘I hate you’ kind of look and kicked the chair before leaving.

I looked up towards the ceiling. The blankness of the ceiling was deeper now.

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