For the past many days I didn’t write anything in my diary. It’s not that there was nothing to write, in fact, many topic were there. But I intentionally avoided writing.
It’s because I am confused. It happened few days back when I was just going through the post that I had written so far. I saw a trend in all my writings. My intention to start writing was to analyze situations in different perspectives. But everything that I was writing were following a trend. They were reflecting frustrations and anger, sadness, hopelessness, confusions etc.
Are the reflections true?
Why they are reflecting more or less the same thing. May be it is what I am. May be I am just a confused, frustrated, angry, sad person. But then somewhere within me I know I am not weak. I am not frustrated, confused, angry or sad. I know all these things are reflecting in my writings or my activities. But I have always felt that amongst all these chaos lies a calm soul within me. The soul which is at utmost peace and who is mature enough to be touched by these simple emotions.
Is this true?
Do we all reflect something different than our actual self’s? Or it is just a myth. May be it is just a pseudo explanation for hiding the weak soul. May be it is all about – hope. A hope that something better is awaiting beyond the phase of sadness, frustration, anger and so on. If I am really hoping for something better to happen in the future, do I really qualify for the designation of an advance soul? Advance souls are not supposed to live for future, they are supposed to live in the present. And there can be nothing more futuristic than the word ‘hope’.
So am I just a hope?
Does hope ever ends? How do I know that my hope has ended? Today I want something and I hope for it, tomorrow I will want something else, and new hopes will take place of the existing ones. So this vicious cycle is never going to end. Then, what is that for which I living my life. What if there is no hope and this is the reality? What if I am really a frustrated, angry, sad and lonely soul, like the way I am expressing myself in my writings.
What if I am a weak soul?
Now, this is my confusion. If I am really a weak soul, am I really capable of doing anything? Weak souls are just weak, they can’t think beyond their own life and own perspectives. A weak soul cannot appreciate the strength of a strong soul, nor can he understand life of a strong soul. There is going to a single line of thought for a weak soul, and that is just weak.
And so the question boils down to the central theme – who am I?
Am I the weak soul who is writing weak stuff or I am strong soul who has recognized the weak soul and is expressing the weakness of the weak soul? So my thoughts are whose – the strong one or the weak one. Or in other words – am I a weak or a strong soul? And so I am confused. Is there really a difference between the writer and me? Or it is the same person trying to find some extra brilliant explanations for his existence.
Better I don’t write for some days …