I can’t be your friend !!!

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I felt too tired as I was about to reach my room. I switched off my cell as I just wanted to lie down peacefully without being disturbed by anyway. So the moments I opened the door and entered into my room, I just threw myself in the bed.

Unknowingly my eyes went to the blank ceiling, and something bothered me. But then I was too tired to think about anything, so before my mind could wander into the blankness of the ceiling, I closed my eyes tightly, trying hard to keep them shut. I was not able to concentrate on my sleeping, so I decided to do something to keep my mind busy. I started counting backwards from 100, and soon I lost the track of my counting.

Suddenly I woke up. Did I even sleep? The question struck me, I don’t know. I could not make up my mind on it. As my eyes wandered around, I saw him standing near my bed. He was just looking at me, smiling. No, not again, I thought loud and closed my eyes. I really don’t want to talk to him right now. In fact it’s hardly talking with him, it’s more of answering his absurd questions.

Oh! I forgot to mention. He is none other than the ‘ME’, but of course a different ‘ME’. We have lot of similarity. He smiles like me, has intense eyes that looks little dreamy or lost, but he does looks older than me, maybe more mature than me. But that’s where our similarity ends, he neither thinks like me nor he is like me. But then, how is he ‘ME’. Well, he may be a creation of me, or I am a creation of him. Whichever way it is, we are like two souls in one body form. He does not exist otherwise, he just visits me, talks to me, and then vanishes out to nothing.

‘Where our thoughts meet then?’ is something that has bothered me but I had no answer to that yet. I don’t even know why he exists. Can a different ‘ME’ really exist? How do I exactly define him? Well, it’s a long discussion. But today I don’t want to think about it. So far, all we have is disagreement and we have never been able to convince each other of our acts. We have our explanations, rather stronger ones, and so our battles have been continuing ever since he was created out of me. Sometime he scores more points than me, sometimes I am the winner. But then, we both are not sure who is right and who is wrong. It has just gone down to who is more right and who is more wrong. And today I just want to know why is he here?

“So, what’s new now and why did you took the trouble to be here?” I asked him without even bothering to open my eyes. I don’t have to see him, as I know how he looks like and what faces he is going to make. He is just ‘ME’.

“You tell me? Seems you’re quite busy these days” he said. I didn’t have to see the smirk in his face.

“Everything is going good. And yes, I am pretty busy. I am just enjoying life, meeting new people, learning new things and so on. So, is that bothering you? Is that the reason why you came to disturb me?” I expressed my frustration through my voice.

“Really?” he said and I could sense an insulting tone in that word. He continued, “again you are trying to run away. I can never understand why do you even attempt such things. This short term endeavors that you get involved in with much interest and enthusiasms are not going to give what you are looking for. Nor they are going to solve your mysteries. Then why do keep wasting your time”

“Please don’t start it again”, I opened my eyes, looked at him and shouted before he could complete his sentence. “I am happy in what I am doing right now, so please leave me alone. I am not looking for any excuses, and I really don’t understand why you keep insisting that I am trying to run away. What is there to run away from? I am simply trying to do what I like doing right now”.

“Why do you even attempt to lie in front of me?” he said and smiled, “don’t forget, I am just you. You can shout louder and shoo me away. But then, you know very well that you are trying to run away. You are running away from reality and you don’t even want to think about that.  You just don’t want to live in reality. You always prefer to live in a dream’s paradise for few days. But you know and I know it too that this dreams is also not going to last. And you are going to fall down hard like you always do”. He suddenly stopped talking and gave me a sharp look.

I remained silent for few minutes avoiding his eyes. I could very well understand what he was saying and where this discussion was leading to. But I was not ready to bend yet. And to defend myself I replied to him “If you think like that, that’s your problem. Let me make it clear to you. You are just the dead part of me. You are my body part who wants to remain unhappy, who is scared of happiness and is scared to laugh. So whenever you see me happy, you come to scare me. I am not going to listen to your absurdity. I am living a life, and there are always ups and down in life. Just because I had few instances of sadness or downs in my life, it doesn’t mean that happiness will never come back to my life. Let me stay like this, atleast let me live a few moments of happiness”, I closed my face with both hands. I was getting tired of convincing him about this.

He laughed loud, and said “You really think you can be happy?” and continued laughing. After satisfying himself with his sessions of laughter’s, he said again, “this is what you do every time and you know where you end up. You are just a fool. It is okay to be a fool once, but the person who keeps on making the same mistakes, I don’t know what to call him. Your few moments of happiness are nothing, because they are just pseudo, they don’t carry any real meaning. You are just trying to put a temporary shade over the deep sadness inside you. Pretending to be happy doesn’t really make you happy. If you really want to be happy, you have to be happy from within. The way you are approaching life and happiness within it, is just wrong. You are trying to find happiness in how other people react to you, you are trying to search for happiness in other’s life. You are assuming that keeping other happy is going to shower you back with happiness. And that’s totally wrong. A person who is not happy from within cannot distribute happiness. You’re just lying to others, you are just acting, showing them that you are a happy person. I believe you don’t have to do that. You can just be what you are and let them be with you. If they are part of your life, they will be with you all time, whether you are sad or happy, doesn’t matter.”

I was again silent for some moments. I always hate this, the way he brings in his arguments. Why does he sound so correct always? But I don’t care. He may be correct, but I am living my life. And I want to live it like the way I want. Even if he is ‘ME’, he is still an outsider and I can push him out of my life as and when I want. If he crosses his limits, I will throw him out of my life once and for all. Atleast then I don’t have to listen to his lecture. But before I do that, l must make myself clear to him. I said “Life is not lived like that. We just can’t be so selfish. If I keep on thinking about myself, there will be no one who will come near me, there will be no one to even listen to my sorrows. It’s kind of give and take. I do something for them and in return they do something for me. And right now I am loving it”.

“Then why no one is with you right now”, he stopped me in between, “Why are you alone right now? Can you really touch your heart and tell me that someone in this world knows you better than me? Can you really say that someone understands you? Can you really trust someone with your life?”

I looked at him sharply, I didn’t had immediate answers to his questions, “Are you trying to bring her into this discussions? I don’t think I have anything to discuss about her. And if you know me, don’t bring her topic. Please”. I said finally.

“So, I am right”, he smiled “you don’t want to discuss her because you have doubts about her. You know something is not right, but you just don’t want to accept it, nor want to think about it. Isn’t that running away? If you know everything why are you doing it?”

“I know everything but still I am doing it. So what? I don’t expect everything in this world to move according to my wishes. She is what she is. And I have accepted it. What’s your problem?” I again shouted, knowing pretty well that I have no arguments to defend my actions.

“Stop it then. You don’t have to do things that you don’t approve. I don’t understand why you do things for her, when you are very well aware that neither they will be appreciated, nor they are wanted by her. What are you looking for here? I know there is no deep feelings involved here. But I fail to understand your weakness for her.” Now it was his turn to shout at me.

“Yes, I don’t know. I don’t know why I am doing all this for her. I know she never wanted it, nor she will ever appreciate or even acknowledge it. But then I am doing it. That’s it. Neither I have an explanation, nor I want expect an explanation to it. It is what it is” I said as I turned calmer seeing his anger.

“That’s foolish. And it’s you again and your foolish act. What are you trying to prove here? Are you god? You think doing something without any reason or without any expectations exists in this world. Do you really think someone will ever understand that? You will be seen as a weak person. A person who runs after another seeking importance, a person who runs after every other girl looking for attention or care or whatever it is. And somewhere I doubt it to. Are you really looking for some sort of attention or importance from her? Are you trying to get over the past setbacks through her?” finishing his statement, he laughed loud again. I knew his ways of irritating me, taunting me when he knows I am in doubt.

I answered seriously, “I am not sure of that. Yes, I agree, sometime I do have such thoughts. But it’s not only that. I had a past, a terrible past, but I am not fully sure whether I am using her as a medium to get over my past. It is much more than that.”

He looked at me sharply, and said “I know what are you trying to say here. But you had me for that. You could have discussed it with me instead of finding another person for that. Trust me, no one understands you better that you, or in other words me.”

I immediately replied, “No. I don’t want you in my life. I don’t want more duality in my life. And that’s why she is there in my life. She is a symbol of purity in my life. She is a reflection of trueness, she is reflection of what I am in true sense. She reminds me of what I am.”

I paused for a while for a response. I looked at him for a second. As he remained silent, I said again, “So far, I have hidden myself, showing different faces to different people. And all that has been in search of something. Because I was scared of being hurt, I was scared of being mistrusted, misunderstood, used and what not. It was selfish. And with your advice, I never went closer to anyone, never loved or cared for anyone. I tried living a life of a loner, trying to be happy within myself. And in this struggle of understanding myself, trying to find myself, I lost myself. And today I even don’t know who I am. I want myself back, and she is the one who is doing that. It’s not that she is actually doing that. But it’s her presence that is constantly reminding of my true self. For me she is just a symbol of certain things that I wanted in my life. And if someone find’s my actual self as boring, selfish or whatever, I don’t care. I just want to be me, without bothering to impress someone by acting or by putting on another face.”

I gulped down a glass of water and said again “I wanted to be like her. I wanted to be good. But I went the other way round. I was searching for happiness and peace in wrong places. And her presence keeps me in reminding that. She doesn’t have to love me or care for me. But just talking to her, is enough for me to make me realize how wrong I am in looking at life.”

After a long silence, he spoke “But you know she is not there for permanent. Tomorrow she will be gone from your life. Then what? And do you really think you can change? Do you really know who are you?”

“I know she will not be there for long. And that’s why I am in a hurry. And yes, I don’t know whether I can change myself or not. I know that I am tired of being someone else now. I have acted for long in my life, now I just want to relax and be what I am. In other words, I don’t want you in my life now. I just want one soul, one body, one mind”, I completed the sentence and I felt good. It was as if I founded answers to many questions that were bothering me for quite some time.

Suddenly he started laughing loud. After a long irritating and insulting laugh, he said “I am really your becoming your fan. How can you.. how can you create such wonderful explanations to all your acts? This time also you did it. All that you said so far is just an explanation to cover you failure. You don’t even know what you are doing. All you want right now is a justification for your foolish act. Well, I must congratulate you. You are quite successful. Such an explanation will make me vanish for the time being. But I will be back, and I know I will be back. So till next time, when you have another story, another confusion and a wonderful explanation, bye bye.” And he vanished as soon as he completed the statement.

His laugh kept resonating even after his absence. Was I really giving an explanation for the sake of giving an explanation? Is my explanation really justified? Am I not trying to escape from reality? Is it just an another way of making him vanish? Am I again trying to vanish the true me? Whom am I lying to – myself or to the ‘ME’ that exists somewhere?

This time I looked at the blank ceiling. What is that I am trying to search in that blank ceiling? Can I really find it? I could feel myself being lost in the blankness of the ceiling. Certain things have no answers, no explanations. The blankness, the hollowness in my life has no explanation.

I switched on the mobile and looked at her last message, “I can’t be your friend. I don’t need friends, I just need well wishers” is all it said.

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