“I know what you think and what you do and why you do?” She said to me in her calm and compose tone.
And I was scared, skeptical, suspicious, happy and sad at the same time. If someone claims to know me, it’s a declaration of the end of relation for me. Instead of announcing the end of relation, I smiled.
and said politely “good for you and at least now I don’t have to pretend or ask anything to you. You will know what I want”
“But since I know you, I think you lost me” she didn’t looked at me while making that statement.
For a moment I couldn’t say anything, I just kept looking at her pseudo busy face. Is she even aware, who lost whom? Before she even realizes I am long gone.
I said “In other words, you do acknowledge that I had you before this. Well, that’s a big news for me. And as far as I remember, you never accepted that you had any feelings for me” and I smiled. It always scare me when things move from being acquaintances or friends towards a relationship.
I know by now that I am a person of very limited creativity, and when it comes to relationship, the creativity is far more constrained. All I have is this creativity in the beginning of a relationships. And I am at my best, I am talkative, extrovert, laughing, polite, caring, impressive, and so on. Here at this juncture, I don’t feel the need to strengthen my inner walls, protect myself from this new intruder. It’s the best time to hide myself from the superficial me, projecting myself wonderfully from this new person. This projected me is exactly what she is looking for. And all that is expected of me is to act, throw some lies, show some pretended emotions and build on whatever is there.
But then, beginning can’t be prolonged for long or they die of boredom. And this is where I get constrained, I don’t know where to go after the beginning. I feel threatened, I feel as if someone is hurting my privacy, my independence, forcing me to strengthen my walls. And right now she is putting me into the next step of relationships where I never wanted to go. This very conversation is what might lead me to the 2nd stage of the relationships.
She continued “Whatever conclusion you draw, is your prerogative. I have nothing to comment on that. All I am saying is that I know you too well by now. And I don’t think your gimmicks are going to work with me anymore. You are not interested in anyone, all you need is to pass your time. You are too casual for anything serious. It was just foolish of me who took you in face value and got lost into this mesmerizing charisma of yours. And I must congratulate you on this, you are really good in playing with your strengths. I didn’t even realized when I got so involved into this, even when I kept on trying to avoid it with all my strength”. She looked frustrated. She must have had high expectations from me.
I instantly replied “I am what I am. If you think I am casual and I am just passing my time with you without any seriousness, I have nothing to say. But then, tell me one thing, what wrong did you saw in me? Where was I wrong? Why are even getting so hyper suddenly. I didn’t changed myself with you, I was like this since the beginning. You got whatever you wanted from me.” I completed the sentence and immediately felt guilty. Why am I even trying to justify myself if I am not interested in anything further. And this is surely asking her to continue.
“I know you will come up with some marvelous explanation and justifications for your actions. One part of me will definitely get convinced about it.” She paused for a while, looked at me with those pretty eyes. Then without smiling she said again “but then, I am sure, once I am out of your mesmerizing aura, I will be back to reality and will surely realize that whatever you are saying is just a myth. It has no truth whatsoever in them. I don’t want to go there again” she turned her face immediately. I could feel the strong emotions she must have felt at that moment of time. Too strong for a poor soul like her to handle. And at that point of time, I knew she will never portray her weakness to me again.
I didn’t forced her to look at me. I too prefer not to look at her eyes when I was trying to give her justifications. As I was not very much sure of the validity of my justifications. It is more comfortable to lie without looking at someone’s eyes. So I allowed her time to settle down and took the opportunity to prepare myself for another onslaught of explanations.
After a long pause I said “I think somewhere you are right. I am good with explanations and justifications. But are they all myths, what if they are the truths and crude realities? Have you ever thought that may be you are trying to find reasons to move away from me, and that’s why you don’t even try to see or understand things which are so obvious? May be it is getting difficult for you to control your increasing expectations and emotions for me, so you are trying to find faults in me. May be you have started loving me and you need some reasons to deny it? Aren’t you are scared that you will demean your ego by showing your weakening emotions in front of me. Why is it so difficult for you to bend? What are you trying to protect? Maybe somewhere you don’t trust me, you think I don’t or will not appreciate your emotions in the correct sense. Is it really a problem with me or it has something to do with your inhibitions?” I did it again, I said things which I never intended to.
But I can’t take them back now. And this is the mistake I always do. In order to justify myself sometimes I put the other person in such a situation where he or she is forced to admit something, even when I am not very sure of what I am asking for. I am never aware of the repercussion of my statements. What if she expresses her emotions or love for me right now? What will I do then? What will I say to her then? Do I really want that? If not, then why am I even asking her that. I don’t know, but she can’t just keep on blaming me for her issues and problem. I never had any problem with this relation so far. And I was okay with the way it was going on, I really don’t understand the need to make this complex. Why on earth did she even had to make a statement that she knows me and I am losing her? I never thought she is fake or I am fake. What was her need that she had to dissect it and search the truths which were hidden within me for decades? Why she even had to expect something more from this relationship? Why she had to know the real me? How can I tell her that it is me who is scared of a relationship and is always trying to run away from emotions?
She replied “May be I am wrong? I might have rushed things up. But, I am fed up of your lies and pseudo emotions. You are basically a fake. You never show your true emotions, you don’t even let anyone feel your emotions. Overall you just don’t express or say anything. You just remain casual, trying to show that you don’t care. Somewhere within these episodes of your hiding and superficial acts, I witness the real you. A fine gentleman, a caring, loving, sensitive, understanding, intelligent, polite and a perfect man. But it’s momentary, and you hide it away. I want that. I want to meet that person, I want to talk to him. But no matter what, you will not let that man come out. In the outside, all you have is this act, a fake and an impossible, insensitive, unemotional person. And now I have started to hate this one?”
A thought stuck me like a thundering bolt – she has fallen in love with me….
“What are you saying? It is all your imaginations. You are trying to manipulate things according to your wishes. You want to see those things in me. You are trying to find in me the soulmate, the dream person, who is sensitive, understanding, caring and what not. And I am not that. I am what I am.” I laughed out loud and said again “trust me, there is no one like that. I mean I have never met a man who is going to offer you all that. Why are you making such a wish list? Take my suggestion, compromise on something less”? I continued laughing. I had no other option than to perform an act. I have to ensure that I totally pretend her observation of me as funny and laughable.
But my heart beat became louder and faster. She was getting pretty close. I have to ensure that she do not move any further in understanding me. I was surprised, how she was able to see all those things within me, when I always try to hide them. Or do I really feel that way towards her. Impossible !!! How am I supposed to be emotional to her? Nah! My explanations to her seems to be more appropriate. She is just making wild guesses and she is no way closer to understanding me.
But she didn’t stop, continued putting me more complex situation and said “Whatever you say. I know you act and pretend a lot. But, you too are human, you too have emotions and feelings. It is impossible for you to act in real life all the time. I know there are moments when the truth comes out. It’s all about your weakness of not being able to express it in true sense. Again it’s your choice. I just don’t understand what is there between us if we can’t even express true emotions. What is the point in having a pseudo relationships? I don’t understand what exactly you expect from these kind of relationships? Why do you even get involved in this?” she stopped saying suddenly and looked straight into my eyes. I felt as if I was tear apart by those piercing eyes. I have never seen her like this. I could not find any reply immediately. So I just smiled.
She said again “You have to think now, I know that. And then you will come up with some strong explanation to defend yourself. Look, I am really getting tired of this. And I have lost all the patience and energy to put in another effort to understand you, to make you open up. All I see right now a weak emotional person, who always try to defend himself from any emotional adventures. You need someone to take care of you but you don’t want to admit it. You don’t trust anyone, may be because someone has broken your trust, or whatever it is. I don’t care. All I know is that you just can’t keep on playing with my emotions. I am not going to allow this. If you are really genuine with your feelings towards me, and convince me the truth of it, I will be with you. Or else I am gone, like I said before. I am not what you probably have thought of. I am very sure of myself and I know exactly what I want in life. I just don’t want an emotional trauma right now and that too with a person who himself is not sure about his feelings”.
And I was right. I knew she was different and maybe that’s what I liked in her. But now I hate her. And I hate any person who is so damn right and so damn sure about themselves. I am just a human. Am I not supposed to have confusions or doubts about myself? What’s wrong in being imperfect? Just imagine the world if everyone in it are perfects. Can’t even think of that.
“Well, that’s a long lecture. You may be right. I don’t know and I really don’t know. All I know is that it is too premature to even talk about emotions right now. And I don’t understand what is your need to know me to such extent? All I can see is that you are asking for commitments. Why would I even commit to something that I am not so sure of? Let me tell you very frankly, I don’t know what is going on between us. And maybe I am not that interested to find out also. All I know is right now I am doing whatever I want to do at this moment. There are no implication of any future plans in my present actions. I am just doing what I like right now. And I can surely see that you have a problem with that. You want some assurance about the future. You think that if I am doing something today, there should be a future of that too. Sorry, I don’t think like that. I have no future, I only have present. And I can’t give you any guarantee about future. If I am talking to you today, there is no surety that I will talk to you tomorrow. And if you want to stay with me, you have to stay with this hard cruel reality.” The dark devil inside me is laughing now. At last it has got the opportunity to show its face. I am now the devil, the true me. I continued “Just because I was nice to me does not mean I am nice. I can see that you are quite jubilant and sure about your analysis of me. Maybe somewhere you are wrong. Maybe this is exactly what I wanted”
I paused for a while. I could see her eyes getting moist. I knew this was about to happen. But do I really care. No, I don’t. The devil in me don’t care about tears. These are just value less emotional drama for me. I never cry, I don’t even feel like crying. In fact I have never heard of a dead soul crying. How can she even expect some emotions from me? Is she really worth it? I was happy that the devil is now having a strong justification to take me far away from her.
I continued “You know what, when you said that I lost you, I was laughing. I don’t think you even realize that neither I had the intention of having you nor I lost you. It is you who has lost me. But then, I was never yours. I am never anyone to be lost by someone. I am me, happy and satisfied within myself. I don’t need anyone’s support or care to survive. All I did was to try to give you what you wanted. If you thought you knew me, you were wrong. It is me who understood you perfectly, I did whatever you wanted. And I did things to ensure that such thoughts germinate in your mind. I wanted to create a situation where you are forced to run away from me. And you perfectly did that.”
Someone within me was shouting. The devil was fighting with someone within me. Who will win this battle? So far, the devil has won the battle. Do I want someone else to win the battle this time. I don’t know. I don’t even know with whom the devil is fighting? Is that the real me. Is that the goodness in me? I was surprised to know that it still exist there. But I know he is weak. He will probably never win any battles. The devil is the one who is at is best now, winning battles consecutively for me. And all this devil offers me is the darkness, the loneliness, the sadness within me. But can I change anything. I can’t. Every time I tried to subdue this devil, it has become more stronger within me.
She looked at me with those moist eyes, didn’t said anything, but gave a meaningful smile. Something shattered inside me. I wanted her to say something. I wanted her to help me win this battle over the devil. I looked at her with hope and expectations. But it was late. She had already turned her eyes away from me towards the far away mountains.
I am still alone…