It was just a thought, definitely not a colored one. Do thoughts really have colors? Does anyone really care about the colors of thought? For me, colors of the thoughts hardly mattered, as long as they are just thoughts with no shades of reality.
For me, it was just a way to escape from another thought, which was as a result of a particular thought and so on… And while I was intertwined between the maze of thoughts, clearly confused about which thought is leading to the which ones, or which one I was trying to avoid while trying to keep some, time moved on and things went ahead at its own pace without even bothering about my maze of thoughts. Certainly landing me to an another maze of new thoughts.
When she closed the doors on me, few doors of my thoughts were automatically closed and I was forced to close some more. But then, it was important for me to breathe and survive, I needed to feed some new thoughts to my brain. And thus, I looked on the other side of the fence and opened few new doors, expecting someone else to enter through it.
Very soon someone entered the fence through the door and looked at me, expecting a greener pasture. The view was different for that someone, may be a new view, maybe something exciting. And it seemed it was a pleasant experience. I also liked the new experience.
But then, what had changed? I was never liked by people, I was never a center of attraction, now I see people laughing around me and enjoying my company. What did I do? From where this new me has come out? Is it really me or someone else?
To understand this new face born out of me, I started looking closely at the faces of all those people who were liking this new face. Will they really like both of my faces or the multiple faces I might have? Or we just prefer to see what we want to see, carefully and intentionally avoiding what we don’t want to see. Somewhere all these people were seeing what they wanted to see me. Or may be I was showing them what they wanted to see.
I was surprised, and this landed me up to a thought – Who am I?
But how do I know what they want to see? Am I becoming a God or I am turning towards a cruel devil? The thought was troublesome. On one side I had the God, who is caring, loving, sensitive, mature, understanding and with almost all the good character. But on the other side the devil, who is almost as powerful as god, but clearly is deceptive, cruel, liar, insensitive, and so on.
Many of my acquaintances may not agree, but I have always used my understanding of them in a good purpose. I have shown them the possibilities. I have shown them what life can offer to them. Of course they are scared of that, they are scared when someone asks them difficult questions which they too avoid. They feel scared when someone clearly understands them, Or when they feel they can’t hide themselves behind their pseudo expressions and lies. And when someone is scared, they act weird. None of their behavior justifies their pseudo persona. Do I really have the power to look inside their souls. Hahaha!!! Am I trying to justify something with some explanation? This seems to be so confusing that I will soon get lost amidst them.
When I first met her, it was just a casual talk. And soon it went ahead towards a relationships of confusions, doubts, ego clashes and so on. Initially I didn’t had any idea about the future of the relationship, I was not even sure about my expectations from her. But even in my wildest dream I never thought that it would take the shape of a giant cactus, piercing and bleeding me all along my life.
But then I don’t cry. Nor I feel any pain. It’s just that I don’t care for anyone. Some people call me selfish. But then, Black is just black, with no hint of any color whatsoever. And now the reality is that I am having a dark soul, a black soul, which definitely has no emotions, no feelings, no love for anyone in this world.
Now, I am just a devil …