Who have I become ?

 

images5Last evening when I was going back from office with my friends, we had a discussion on what we are doing now a days. And during the discussion, I made a casual remark “See the irony of life, that girl has the guts to show attitudes to me. Just imagine … showing attitude to ME !!!”. And we all laughed.

Later in the night while I was rewinding the activities of the whole day, I got stuck in that statement.  What did I meant by that statement? Am I demeaning her existence or I am trying to cover my ego? Why do I even bother whether she shows attitudes to me or not?

I was contradicting with my own self. On one hand I did noticed the girl and henceforth realized that she is showing attitude to me. On the other hand I trying to show that I don’t care even if she shows attitude to me. Is it really wrong that a girl shows attitude to me? Is it wrong because she showed attitude to me, or it is wrong because I noticed it.  The second part of the sentence worried me.

I don’t know what kind of a story I want to have with her, but then it’s something about her that is like a puzzle and it keeps on forcing my mind to solve it. She is a mysterious girl like all the girls I have met and I could never understand her. All my guesswork about her was turning out to be wrong.

Is it just that? Every now and then I meet a girl, I assume she is a puzzle and I put all my effort in solving it. Why do I do that? Do I really see this as a game or it is just an excuse to cover my inner quest for attention.

I used to be an independent person, but it is changing now. Why am I looking out for attentions outside? Are these outsiders really worth changing my thought process or I am just enjoying the moment? Or somewhere I am getting more and more insecure about myself.

I looked myself into the mirror noticing the dark circles around my eyes. I have changed; the thought came to my mind. Changed from what to what, I don’t know. But something has changed and I don’t seem to recognize myself in the mirror. I tried cleaning the mirror with a cloth, nah!, nothing could remove the lines from my face now. The person in the mirror, though looked like me, was someone else. I have changed myself. May be the situation demanded that I changed myself. Maybe somewhere I needed more attention so I changed myself.

Then the thought of that girl came to my mind. I smiled looking at the mirror. What the hell? Why am I making a fuss about a non-issue? I hardly care about any girl, so who care whether she shows attitude or does not show attitude, I care a damn. If she is not smart enough to recognize my existence and is more interested in her own existence, then let it be. I am happy with the way I am.

My God!!! What have I become. Everything that I do now, I try to find an explanation. Is everything done with an intention or what? Don’t we do something without intentions?

If I have given her some importance, maybe it is because I care for her. Does it really mean that I want something in return or I have some hidden agenda behind it? Sometimes somewhere we meet people and things starts clicking, we just feel comfortable with the other person. And so I did too, and I am sure she did too. Then what’s so complex in that. Why am I reacting to her attitudes? She might be having a bad mood, bad day, or hundreds of other reason. Why I forget that may be I am not her focal point of thought as she is mine right now? Why do I always forget that I am just a normal guy…..

Should I really waste my time thinking about a girl who considers me a normal guy? Should my existence be based on what a girl thinks about me?

Again .. oh! God .. Who have I become?

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2 thoughts on “Who have I become ?

  1. the same happens with me too many times dear,
    when some shows me attitude even I go mad, no matter the person is girl or boy

    Even I stand in front of the mirror thinking about stupid stuff just like you do,
    its completely normal dear

    we humans are designed dat way..

    Like

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