I have gone silent again. Last two days I didn’t talk to anyone. Anyway I hardly call anyone so there is no question of someone calling me also. But then I didn’t talk to the shopkeepers or pan walla also. Few days back I was laughing at everything, in all silly jokes and was enjoying the life. But I was aware something was bothering me from inside.
Deep within I was disturb, it was the silence before a full blown storm. I don’t know why. But, I am just silent now. There are many things which are disturbing and I can’t find explanations. I always land up in situations which stir me spiritually, and then I feel disturb for many days looking for answers. Sometimes I just feel to run away, run away from the crowd and chaos of people around me. I stopped talking to people because now I don’t care whether anyone is near me or not.
I don’t live my life for others and if someone wants to stay with me, they have to accept the way I am. But, I am suffering with lots of confusions regarding love, feelings, emotions, value, belief and many more. And there is hardly anyone near me who is less confused then me. And amidst these confusions and lack of a good understanding person, I can feel something changing within me. The subdued storm is coming to hit me with all its impact.
I live my life, and I don’t understand why people don’t leave me alone? Why people around me are so concerned about what imperfections I have within me. Every now and then someone comes and disturbs my perfection and then I do something which I don’t have explanation of, or control of. But then if I care for someone, I don’t want to see them disturb. I don’t want my actions to cause discomfort to people around me. Should I be concern, or should I stop caring about it. I just don’t understand why do we hide our own imperfections and look for imperfection in others. If I can understand the imperfections I have, and live my life with it. Why others can’t do it? What do I do if people around me don’t understand these imperfections and create unnecessary situations.
Problems comes in when I am extremely sure of what I am looking for but the other party is not sure what he or she is doing with me. Confusions and disturbances occur in the relationships. And then during such a confused state, I too do certain things which are beyond my own explanations. Is it really easy to control such situations. I mean how do you control yourself when you are in an imperfect position.
Somehow, so far, all my imperfections were kept in an orderly fashion, they were streamlined. I know I have perfection in my imperfections. It’s like our country, India, amidst chaos in the streets, in markets, houses, etc. there is some sort of perfections. Somehow things are balanced here. People from abroad come to India and can’t understand this. The way our traffic works in the street. Foreigners can’t even think of driving cars in Indian streets, but we do, we do our all work amidst this chaos. And this is what I am talking about. Amidst this chaos of imperfections, I had something very perfect inside me. Difficulty sets in when this perfection is being disturbed. Something, somewhere happens and I am disturb.
Is it really possible to stay untouched by things happening around us and maintain perfection within those imperfections?