This time when she is not with me, I am not sure how I am feeling. Yes, I wanted to know her. As I always want to know a new person. (explanation being that it would help me in understanding myself better). But I knew that in order to proceed to deeper understanding of each other, we need to have some spark between us.
This time the spark was missing. There was something between us, but not exactly the spark, or may be I didn’t felt it. However, she was still an interesting person and I wanted to explore her more. And as usual I was hoping that our situation may turn from no spark to a violent spark someday. (Or maybe I was still searching of something, something wonderful and something divine…. )
She was impressed by my happy-go-lucky and energetic persona (One of the act which I like to portray to people who wants to see me in that fashion). And may be it pulled her towards me. We started our so called friendship and talking to each other. Sometime it was interesting and sometimes it was boring. And many days passed like this. We were more than mere friends now, spending most of the time talking and knowing each other. We were sharing deeper emotional thoughts and reactions. I somehow still maintained my inner thoughts within myself. I was into that relation with a purpose, and I wanted to get the things that I wanted.
But the things which were happening between us seemed to be very routine, and I always hate anything that falls into a routine. Most of the time I was in some other world, trying to find something worth interesting to give me a deeper insight about life. As usual nothing happened, and my frustration kept rising. I tried stirring up things, I used few techniques to put some spark into our friendships.
So far I was not sure of what she was going through. And why she is with me, as I was too concerned about what I wanted from her. May be somewhere she also realized that I am not what I say I am. And she started avoiding me, which I liked it. Of course she came up with some excuses. But it gave me a spark. I wanted to bring her back to me. I knew she wanted everything to end. And somewhere I wanted it too. But not in her terms, I wanted things to end in my terms. I wanted a perfect ending to this story. And I started using my techniques. I started running after her, I showed her all my desperation, my frustrations, my anger. I didn’t felt bad in showing that I am weak and that I needed her more. Even when she made me felt like a beggar, I didn’t care. I wanted her back and I was ready to do everything for that.
But then her reaction turned out to be completely different than I expected. She was hardly reacting to my emotional dramas. And when I saw her no reactions, it puzzled me. And then one day I found out that she was just sleeping when I was thinking hard and trying hard about various techniques to get her attention and to portray a different image. I was shocked. What is this?
Maybe, I didn’t matter after all. Whatever I was thinking was just a myth. May be I don’t exist in her life the way I was expecting. I was expecting that she will give me the same sort of importance that I was giving it to her (atleast I was showing it to her). Sometime it is difficult to realize the fact that we are not that important. May be she knew from the beginning that there was no spark between us. May be she also wanted some answers to her confusions. May be she was also looking for something which was not there in me.
But, I did a lot for her, though intentionally. And the fact that I was nothing for her came as a hard cruel reality to me. And then I realized that in this story I was not the hero, in fact may be I didn’t had a role at all. She was the hero and in this story I didn’t had a role.
I also realized that I cannot always create stories like the way I wanted. The world doesn’t work according to my wishes. Sometimes I am just a joker, made to dance by someone. May be instead of me using her for some selfish reasons, this time she used me for her own reasons.
I also felt happy about it, as I was able to know a new person in my life. It taught me that I am not that important.
And now when she is not with me, I don’t know how I am feeling. Everything about us in this relation was just a lie…