She looked deep into my eyes. She had a lovely smile on her face. I looked back into her eyes and smiled. Time lost all its relevance in that moment. But then within a few seconds, I saw tear developing in her eyes.
And as they were about to pop out of her eyes, she turned her face and ran away.
And later when she sent me a message saying that I have gone far away form her, I was puzzled. She further said, I am no longer the same person as I have no feelings for her in my eyes. My smile was just for an acquaintance and not for someone whom I loved and cared for.
But how is it possible? I do have feelings for her, but then why they were not reflecting in my eyes? Somewhere something was wrong. And as a usual routine I spent many a days thinking about it … well, still thinking …
First question that came to my mind was how do I deal with situations, separations and feelings? I thought about it. Can I really remove the feelings for someone from my heart? Well, I don’t know. I never removed anyone. Whenever there is a separation all I do is create a box of memories. And I put that box safely locked in a compartment inside my head. Needless to say that I have many boxes in those compartments. Whenever I feel the need to think about the person, I just take out the box, open the content and loose myself in the memories of the older days. But, that seemed to be very very private affair. No one around me had any idea about that (I might have told someone). But no one can truly feel it. Nothing wrong with it as far as I am not bothering any one else and make no noise about it. May be something related to terms like selective attention, selective perception or selective retention.
But then, what if I meet that person again in my life? How am I supposed to react, or how will I react? The situation with her was like this only, after being separated (I didn’t wanted to but situations compelled me to do so) for two years, I met her again and then you know what happened. What could I have done at that point of time – should I open the box and bring all those old memories and emotions to the present time? Or, I should never open the boxes for her again and let newer emotions and feelings come over me?
When we keep meeting someone for a longer period, a kind of understanding develops between us. And I am sure that reflects in our eyes when we look at each other. Does these understanding changes or loses out its relevance when we are not in touch for some months or years with that person?
But then why does it matter so much? Why she wanted the old memories and feelings to be present there? If she had known me perfectly then she should have known that I am just the same and my emotions or feeling do not change. So, is looking at someone with meaningful eyes or brining emotions / feelings to eyes is the only way we can make the other person believe that we feel for someone.
But then the counter argument is, if I really have feelings or emotions for her, why they were not reflecting in my eyes? Can I really hide them? Or did I really hide them because I was scared of something or because I didn’t want her to see that I still feel for her.
Somewhere this particular thought touched me. May be it’s just my ego. May be I didn’t want to show her my weakness, maybe I didn’t want to know her that I was still waiting for her with all the emotions with me. Why should I show that to her? My emotions are now my property, and I know no one can appreciate them in true sense except me. So, why should I even bother to show it to someone?
All that we do now is go with the face value of a person. If she can’t understand me or my emotions, is that really my problem. And if she really understood me, where is the need of reflecting those in my eyes. I am not angry at her, because I know that people hardly understand other human beings. They look at them as per their own convenience, what they feel about the other person is what matters to them.
Well, sometimes I just get bored with this explanation stuff. Can I really find all the explanations that I am looking for? Everyone around me just believe in showing off their feelings (or rather pretending) and I am stuck with finding true explanations. May be because of this I am loosing out on all relationships.
Question is whether I don’t understand people or they don’t understand me ? What ever it is, emotions in my eyes will take a little longer to come …