The Deepest, Darkest hour of the night …

images32:00 am

I was watching the repeat telecast of interview of Mr. Amitabh Bachan for the movie Shamitabh. During the discussion to Mr. Arnab Goswami, he said one thing and it seriously had a big impact on my thought.

In the interview he said that during his acting stint, in many a movie his mother died and he expressed his anger, anguish and all other sorts of emotions on the scene. But in reality when his mother died, he was not sure which of his emotion was the truest and purest one. Or whether he has already exhausted his emotions in a particular scene in a movie which were far more genuine then what he was feeling when his mother died in reality.

I am sure every good actor, who gets involved in the scene, feels that at one point of time. How to identify which emotion is the real one, one which they show in movie scene or the one which they show in real life. Of course this will be felt only by actors who ‘get into the character’ in real sense. Though I assume that a good actor can really ‘act’ and can create pseudo emotional scenes with expertise, but then are they just hollow acts or there is some part of real emotions involved in it. If it is the same scene done (mother dying) in several movie by an actor and he has shown different sort of emotions in all the scenes, and when his mother really dies, does he act or show his true emotions or what?

What about writers then? Do writer also exhaust their emotions when they write about their feelings and emotions? Is it really something different they write or it is just a part of their inner emotions? But then, the question comes in which one is the real one? A true good writer has to ‘go deep into the character’ or in other words become a character in order to understand the pure emotions and feelings of the character. So, when he becomes a character what about his emotions? Can someone really fake emotions so naturally as a writer or as an actor or somewhere there is a part of original emotions involved there.

As a writer or an actor it is possible, as one gets an opportunity to get to different characters. But what about a common man? How can he understand various nitty gritty of emotions without playing different roles? I started my blogging episode with the post that I wanted to create my own movies, create scenes, create characters, so that I can understand emotions. Somewhere I was trying to understand myself and my emotions by creating various fake faces of me.

But then, it is not easy. Entangling myself into various emotional situations and traumas and then overcoming it, is difficult. It takes a toll, mentally and physically. But, I have understood myself better by doing that, what I am, what I want and why I do things that I do. And in the end of the day, I am happy that I have realized what I am.

3:15 am

I got up from the sofa as I was happy that I thought about something and finally concluded something about it. I just looked at my Labrador sitting quietly besides me and looking at me, as if he also realized who I am.

While we both were looking at each other, suddenly he got into an alert position. After few seconds there was index77a hissing, brushing sound on my window. He ran to the window and looked out of it. Suddenly he turned back and tried to hide behind me. I was shocked, I knew he saw something which is not very good. I looked at the watch. I didn’t like the time, my heart started racing fast. Is it a ghost outside my window? I couldn’t gather the courage to stand and look outside the window at the first instant. But few moments later, took and courage and stood up and went to the window to look outside. There was nothing. My heart was still beating loud and fast. What did he saw then? Why is he so scared now also?

A very weird thought came to my mind. What if it was really a ghost and it got scared of me and ran away? Am I bigger and more dangerous ghost then him? What if I am a real devil?

I could not gather the courage to look into the mirror. All negative thoughts of the bad things that I have done in my life came rushing to me. I saw all the faces I have cheated, I have hurt, I have treated badly or injured. I started remembering all the instances where I was uncaring, unforgivable, insensitive, unemotional and selfish. And Yes, I realized I was a dangerous, bigger devil always.

4:30 am

The darkest hour of the night has passed, there is a ray of hope, a ray of sunlight falling all over us now. I couldn’t remember when I went to sleep after that weird instance and weird thoughts.

I got up from the bed and looked into the mirror. My eyes were red because of less sleep. But I was happy, all I could see was a handsome face with slightly grown beard and red eyes, with no sign of any devil out there.

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The deepest, darkest hour in the night just brings out the devil in ourselves, which we simply hide as the dawn sets in and cover it with all sorts of explanations.

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The deepest, darkest hour in the night just brings out the devil in ourselves, which we simply hide as the dawn sets in and cover it with all sorts of explanations.

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