She kept on cracking jokes and I kept on laughing. There was nothing in my mind. I was perfectly enjoying the moment. But, was that really me?
I was pretty well aware that something inside me was crying loud. But still I didn’t stopped myself from laughing at her jokes. Why do I do that? Why do I always come up with a fake face? Why can’t I be the real me?
But then, does it really matters? Does some one really care whether you are truly ‘you’ or a fake one, as long as things are going fine? This is not the first time I put up a fake face for someone, and hardly anything has changed. In fact, I have given birth to so many fake faces that I don’t even realize which one is the real me. But then, does it really matters?
The basis of a relation is expectation. We are all in relationships because we expect something from the others (atleast the normal human beings). We just look for our gains and wishes and as long as they are being fulfilled, the other end hardly matters. I am not saying that I am not selfish. I started many relationships expecting things (it’s a different issue that those expectation also became a big issue). But in the end, I just realized that everyone is after something, they just name it differently. Some call it friendship, love, care, brother, sisters, etc. etc. But the basic concept behind all this is that there is some hidden agenda, there is some hidden expectations.
And while in relationships, what do we do? We compromise. We compromise on our basic beliefs, basic goals, basic desires, basic habits etc. etc. We change ourselves in order to just be in that relationships, because some where the expectation from that relationship is strong enough to keep us there. We try to keep the relationship even after we change ourselves. Isn’t that faking?
When I talk with someone, when I laugh with someone, I just fake it. I never had to show the real me to anyone. It doesn’t matter, at least to them. I objective here is give them what they want, because this is what they care about. What I need hardly matters? But then, why do I always try to give them what they want? Well, that’s my selfishness. I believe life is very short, and within this short life if I can make few people happy, there is nothing wrong with it. If I can bring a smile on someone’s face, that what matters, what I feel or what I go through each day, each second doesn’t matter.
So, there is nothing wrong is faking a laugh at someone’s jokes. Maybe it’s not a fake at all. May be the fake ‘me’ that I created is really enjoying it. But then, who knows? And who cares? As long as everyone in the group is laughing and my tears are still hidden behind the laughs.
And the biggest irony is I don’t know why I am crying inside and why tears are there hidden safely? It is not that someone has left me or hurt me or something, I just have this unexplained pain inside me, which simply cries when it’s alone. I could never explained it. Few years back people used to tell me that I have lot of pain in my eyes. I could not understand those things at that time. I still don’t understand that. May be the real me is crying, may be he is just tired of faking out for too long.
Well, I wish I can know the Real me before I close my eyes finally. And till that time I will just have to laugh because i don’t want my tears to come out.