Every thing that I have done, I have always had come with an explanation. And every thing turns out to be just a mess up.
Why everything is not under my control? I kept on thinking about it. And at the end, I have no explanation. If everything over me is controlled by some unknown power. If someone else unknown is pulling the string of my life, then what am I doing here?
Yes, I am frustrated. Yes, I am helpless.
But who isn’t? Who can say that he or she has everything under her controlled? One day you are fine, laughing and enjoying life. And suddenly you are struck with this lightening and everything is haywire. You don’t even know what to do next. Everyone can have such situation and no one actually controls it, then what we are all fighting with? What are we running after? All along we work for stability and peace and happiness in life, and then suddenly in one moment everything is broken down into pieces. Your world is messed like you don’t see anything beyond it. How does anyone survive out of it? How does anyone find out a safe path out of it? And then someone will say big things, that do this, do that. And everything is just scrap. Nothing works. Life has turned to hell, and only you know it. You have made it hell so face it.
Today, I don’t want to even meet the God, because I don’t have anything to ask him. I can’t blame him for anything which is happening to me, nor anyone can blame him for whatever happen to their lives. I don’t even know whether it is he who is controlling everything, Or it is just me who is the reason for everything. As such God is never going to say anything, not even show any expression by seeing me in such a frustrated position.
Well, what happened to me? No, nothing specific. Nothing that is big enough to break down my world to pieces. But, the very question of the purpose of my existence has been bothering me for quite sometime. Everything around me is just getting ‘normal’. I am just leading a normal life. What I scare most in my life is happening to me, I am just termed as a ‘normal’ person. I never dreamt of myself as a normal. But, I am realizing now that I am just normal. I just do things which normal people do. I get angry, I get frustrated, I feel helpless, I shout, I break glasses, I smoke, etc. etc. … simply normal. I am just feeling the same emotions like a normal person.
It is like I want to draw a picture, I am dying to draw a picture with my thought, but I can’t. I don’t know how to draw. I tried, I really tried a lot. But, NO, it’s not shaping the way I want. I can’t create the expression that I want. I can dream it, I can figure it in my image but I can’t put it down in the canvas the way I want. What to do then? I broke the canvas, threw away all the brushes, made a mess with the paints. But in the end, there was no picture. What do you do when life is like that?
I want to fly. Fly like a bird, without anyone bothering me. I want to be like a free bird flying in the sky, winds blowing all around me, clouds passing me by. But I can’t do that if I am just a normal person. The issue here is what to do when you are actually a normal person but don’t want to call yourself a normal person. Don’t know. What do you expect it to bring to you …. of course frustration and more frustrations…