I was dumbstruck hearing her statement. I could not say anything for few minutes and lot of puzzles started building inside my brain.
And after a long pause, I asked “What do you mean?”
She shrugged and said “I just said it because you are always thinking. Whenever I say something you say you are thinking and will think about it. So, I made that remark”
I knew she never makes a casual statement. Her statements are far deeper and I always needed time to realize its full potential. I was not prepared to allow her to go without clearing my doubts.
“No”, I said immediately “You can’t run away like that. Explain it to me”
“Uff, this guy!!! When are you going to be mature?” She smiled
“Never, but don’t divert now and explain me” I asked
“Okay okay. I said that because whenever I am talking to you or whenever I am with you, I feel as if you are not there. I feel as if I am with a thought. A thought which I lived with, a thought about what I want” she tried to explain
“What is that now? I am with you and talking to you and you think I am not a real person. What does that mean?” I showed my frustration
She smiled and replied “It simply means that even when you are with me, I don’t know you. You talk and you also spend time with me, but you are not you. You are somewhere else. I can never understand what is going on deep inside you”
I immediately replied “That’s making things complex. I am not a super human being that I can maintain two faces so easily. If there is something deep inside me, then it is bound to come out sometime. I think we all have certain things which we hide or don’t feel like sharing. So as I don’t probe yours little secrets, I prefer you don’t probe mine. What else can be there apart from that”
“Ha ha ha .. very funny” She laughed aloud and said “As if you don’t understand anything. And if you realized, this is what I was talking about. You understood clearly what I said. But you will never show it. And as I know you, you understand others far better than what they themselves know about them. Even if I have little secrets, they are minor things and they are hardly to do anything between us or our relationships. But when it comes to you, your secret is that you hide yourself. You have such strong iron built walls around you that no one can penetrate them. You don’t allow anyone to have any effect on you. What you do on the outside is what the other person expects you to do. You are never you when you deal with other person. You just put up a face, which is liked by the other person. You never share you inner happiness or sorrow with anyone, but you become part of the other person happiness and sorrow. And you can do this because you understand the other person quite brilliantly”
I could not say anything for quite sometime. A long sentence with such deeper meaning needs to be respected. I tried solving some puzzles which were erupting inside my brain. And somewhere, I could solve them pretty fast.
After a while I remarked “Well, that’s quite a remarkable understanding of me. I am not arguing with you on whether you are correct or wrong. But, what I want to say is, how am I supposed to express myself if I don’t know myself. It is not easy. I still don’t have explanation to many things about me. I don’t know why I do or why I don’t do certain things in my life.”
I paused and said again “So, all I do is to try and find out solutions to my own queries through the people around me. When I talk to you, spend time with you, lot of my own queries are solved. I can’t share this issues or queries with you, as they are nothing, they are just tools to understand myself better”
She immediately replied “And this is what I am talking about. Somewhere you are so busy with yourself and solving your queries that you don’t realize that the other person exists. All you want is the answer to your own questions. So you manipulate everything the way you want to pursue and you are an expert in that. So you do it.”
“Don’t accuse me like that. I don’t do everything for myself. I also take good care of you. I am good to you. I spend time with you and I talk to you. What else is there?” I shrugged and put some defense argument
“Ask yourself – what else is there? You will get the answer.” She smiled and turned back
I again went silent. I know she was getting very close in understanding me now. She knows there is ‘lot of else’ in a relationship other than talking, spending time. A true relationship can exists only when we understand each other. And I know she can’t understand me as long as I hide myself, my inner emotions within myself.
But, why should I even open my doors to her. How do I know that she is really worth it? What if she could not respect my deepest feelings, what if she breaks my trust and live me alone? I can’t take the risk.
For now, I am just happy being a thought to her. The real me … still far away, safe.