I must admit that she is beautiful. I could not help but stare at her whenever I see her. And whenever she laughs, my heart misses a beat. Initially I was hesitant to talk to her. Added to that was her ‘don’t notice’ attitude. But, somehow I managed to start talking to her, and I don’t exactly remember how, but it started.
Soon we used to talk as and when we see other. And one day I mentioned her about my blog. It was a casual talk and when she asked me what I am doing, I just said “I am writing for my blog”. And soon I told her all about my blog, what I write etc. etc.
Few days later she called and told me that she is really impressed by what I write. I still remember she said “Your writings are so intense and real. And with every post I was forced to think and think a lot about my surroundings, about my relationships. I was forced to think about who I am. I am so very impressed.”
I felt happy that day. It was kind of an achievement for me. And I noticed from that day, she changed, her behavior towards me changed. Now she come forward and talk to me, she laughs a lot on my silly jokes, she asks me lot of questions and keeps on probing on and on.
There was a kind of friendship growing between us. As if we both understand each other. As if we both have something more to talk about, as if we both want to spend more time with each other. And so this closeness kept on increasing till last night.
Last night, I was staring at the blank ceiling, gathering my thoughts, trying to find answer for something that was bothering me.
I was trying to understand whom she is talking to – The writer or me? Who am I – the writer or someone else? Do I really think the way I write or I am a different person when I write?
It confused me. It was a general impression that writings are just the reflections of one’s own thought. But, can’t I cheat that? Can’t I become someone else when I write? If I can really create confusing situation out of fiction, am I not cheating then? Am I really that confused about relationships – if I can write about them so clearly?
But if I am cheating, then why I am writing? Whom I am cheating and why? Why do I need to cheat unknowns?
May be I am writing because I have some agenda in mind. Maybe it is done to answer something. May be it is to prove something.
How should I react when someone likes my writing? Should I get happy, be indifferent or try to see it in an irritating way. Initially when I started writing, I thought I am writing because I like writing. But then, why do I need to blog? I can keep writing my diaries, if it is just for me. I put it in the shape of a blog, may be because I am expecting recognition somewhere. And if I am looking for recognition then of course I am expecting likes or some reaction from someone.
No wonder I got happy when she reacted to my blog in a nice way. May be that is what I want. May be all my creativity to achieve recognition has exhausted and I just trying to invent a new medium to get that. Am I really so desperate to get recognition from others?
Well, what’s wrong in that? What’s wrong if few people recognize you for your writing? Nothings wrong, but it just led me to do something with some expectations, with some intention in my mind. And when something is done with expectations and some intention in mind, it’s hardly pure from the heart.
But my readers hardly know me. Then I thought, that’s a even bigger mistake, as I fear for giving my real identity but I want to see their reactions.
So, there is nothing wrong in letting people know that I am writing. The only thing I need to learn is to be indifferent to their reactions. I have to be sure that their appreciation or non-reaction does not encourage or discourage me in any way.
But, what’s wrong if she was impressed. All I had to do is keep writing. Whether she likes the writer or me, who cares, as long as she is talking and laughing with me?
I realized that as a writer I can cheat anyone ….