I looked at her with surprise and said “You think I am after physical relations?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what you are after. I just said I was ready to give you anything that includes the physical or emotional aspect. But I never understood what you want.” Completing the sentence she stood up from the sofa and started walking here and there.
“I want you”, I said calmly without looking into her eyes.
She stopped. Came near me and said “You already have me. What more do you want from me?”
I too looked at those mesmerizing eyes and said softly “I don’t know. I want you and also I don’t want you. I mean sometimes I want you and sometimes I don’t want you”
“What the hell?” she almost shouted throwing her hand up in the air.
I was expecting such reaction, so kept my calm and said “I knew you will not understand. But the fact is, sometimes I need you. I need you to feel important. I need you to feel wanted. But not always, sometimes I am low, low in confidence, low emotionally. Sometimes I am just weak. And at that moment I need you”
“But then what’s the problem. You know I am there when you need me.” she continued walking left and right.
This time I got up from the sofa, held her hand and brought her back to the sofa and said “It’s not that I always want you when I am low, but yes, sometimes I do need you. But I don’t want you when I am not low. When I am not low I like to stay alone. Enjoy my life alone.”
“What’s all this nonsense? You just want to use me for your selfish reasons and you expect me to act according to your fancy” she could not resist scratching her head
“No, I don’t want you to act according to my wishes. That is what I am telling you that you too should have your own life. But be with me when I need you” I looked at her for her reactions.
She looked sternly at me for sometime, “Oh? That’s cute? You want me to be like a puppet. When you want to talk I should come running to you. When you want to lean on, I should put forward my shoulder to you. What more … go on?
“I don’t think I can explain you this relation. What I am asking here is a commitment without actually committing anything. I am asking you to respect my independence. When I want to stay alone, you allow me to do that. And when I need you, you should be my side.” I said calmly
“Then what about me?” she said, but I didn’t looked up to see her expressions.
I just said “I do the same. I would also give you your independence. If you need me, I will be there. And rest time you are free to have your own life”
“But I don’t want that. I don’t want to stay alone. My life is just you. I want to be with you all the time” she held my hand and lovingly rubbed it over her cheeks
I didn’t objected to her “I know, and that’s my problem. I can’t stay with this restriction. I want to stay free without the limitations of a relationship”
“But that’s not a relationship” she said in an irritating tone.
I again looked at her, “Yes it is. It is based on an understanding at the highest level. Where each one respects others independence, is beside the partner when needed, but is also free to pursue his or her own interest. Say for example, I don’t like watching movie in a theatre, now just because of our relation, if I go with you to watch it, then I am lying to myself. But that does not mean I am stopping you to watch a movie. You can just go a watch, but of course without me. You don’t like to read books, so I don’t force you to read them. So, all I am asking is we respect each other’s interest and independence, we allow private space and be together when we want to be”
She almost threw away my hand in frustration “And how are you supposed to know that the other person needs you or want you by her side”
I didn’t get angry but I said “That is pure understanding. If I can’t understand when you need me or you can’t understand when I need you, then what’s the point in having a relation.”
“But, where is the relationship” she got up angrily. I didn’t pulled her back.
“May be there is no name to this relationship. May be society doesn’t recognize such relationships, but it does exist. May be you don’t believe in all this. Maybe no one believe in all this.” I said and covered my face with my palms. She left the room closing the door with a loud noise.
And I said to myself “Maybe, I really don’t know what I want”
Is it really possible? I kept on pondering.