Sitting in one corner of the bed in my dark room I closed my eyes and started counting from 1. I tried to visualize the numerical ‘1’ forming in the sky. I saw the ‘1’, its border made by straight lines with shinny sky blue crystals. It was a big and bright ‘1’ hanging up in the sky. As the ‘1’ was vaporizing slowly in the sky, the ‘2’ came from the right side to take its position. It was big and bright too.
Soon the big ‘3’ took its position, followed by the big ‘4’. My meditation was turning out to be successful. But then, at that very instant, instead of a ‘5’, her face came floating in the sky.
I shouted at the top of my voice “How can you do this? How can you leave me like this?”, and before I could get any replies I smashed the phone in the floor.
Earlier when ever I used to get angry, my hands used to shake, but this time they were not shaking. My hands were steady, and I knew something is different this time. I looked at my hand and unknowingly made a fist and smashed it on the wall real hard. Immediately I felt the pain. But, I didn’t stop, once again I hit the wall with all the force, the knuckles cracked, and blood came out of them. I did not stop, and kept punching the wall again and again.
After some time, as I was hitting the wall with the fist, I realized the pain was not increasing; the game has now turned to suffering the pain. It is all about endurance now. The more I can withstand the pain, the more I can keep punching the wall. It was loosing its fun now.
Then at one point in time I could no longer raise my hand to hit the wall. All my energy had drained out, though the pain was still there, it was somehow less than what I felt during the first few hits.
I lied down at the bed, and before I could think anything I was asleep.
As I woke up, I was enlightened by a new thought. I realized physical pain is not a match to the pain that is created by the brain. The physical pain stabilizes at one point of time, and it becomes a game of tolerance. But the pain generated by the brain has no limits. The more I think, the more I feel the pain.
Then why am I even thinking about her even when she had left me? Do I really enjoy the pain? If I don’t enjoy the pain then why am I thinking so much about her and causing the pain? I can’t change the past, not even a single millisecond of it. Then, what’s the point in feeling guilty about the past. Though I realize that no matter what I do, past is past.
I know my thoughts are the cause of my pain. Her leaving me is just an act. What I am thinking is the main cause. Am I angry because I will not be able to see or talk to her again? Or is it because I care for her and I will not be able to find out how she is or what is she doing? Or is it because my ego is hurt? Or is it because she was not doing things according to my expectations? Or there is something more to it then normal reasons?
Why it is so difficult to stay away from the past when I know pretty well that my thoughts are all the reasons for my anger and pain. And all I have to do is not to think about the past.
Once again I started counting from 1. I tried to visualize the numerical ‘1’ forming in the sky. Its border made by straight lines with shinny sky blue crystals. It was a bright ‘1’ hanging up in the sky. As the ‘1’ was vaporizing slowly in the sky, the ‘2’ came from the right side to take its position. It was bright too.
She came walking towards me, hairs blowing all over her face. This time I could not even count till ‘3’