That was a sudden unanticipated question, so I took a while to answer it “For me, love is just a name to a particular thought on that very moment. But, we have been taught to identify certain types of feelings with love.
Though, love is different for everyone because of their different thought and different feelings. But we still like to call it the same love. For me if I am with you at any moment and no other thought can capture my mind, and if in that moment I am happy. I am in love or rather I have a feeling, which people call as love” I paused
Then said again, “What normally happens is, for example, if I like a particular moment with a girl, and expect to feel the same in the future also. I give it the name of love. And then I think this particular girl will keep on raising that feeling in me in the future also. So, I say I am in love and expect to stay together. But that is something which is based on your anticipation of the future, and in true sense you don’t enjoy your present moment as you are more worried about the future”
She laughed “So you are saying you don’t actually love me, you just have a thought for me”
“In true sense, yes. It is me who is generating those thoughts and feelings. It’s just me. And yes, the feeling exists. When I am with you, I think about you and thus have some feelings. Now these feelings are never same when I am with any other girl, because my thoughts about the other girl are not similar like that are with you. And that is why, to make this feeling special, people like to call it love. But I truly don’t know what love is” I said and looked at her.
Instantly she bombarded with the question “So you do think and feel for other girls?”
I smiled “I know you will say this. If I say I don’t think or feel about other girls that would be wrong. But whether I want to continue thinking each time I meet that girl or feel the same way I meet that girl, I don’t know. With you, whenever I meet you, the feeling is same as my thoughts are same. It doesn’t happen with any other girl.”
I paused to drink water and said again “If I think about any other girl and feel the same way like you, then it will be also love. But, that does not happen, because what I think and feel for you is different from what I think and feel for others. Now, it is on me whether I want to keep thinking about any other girl or I don’t want to”
“So what is the guarantee that you will feel the same tomorrow with me? It might change also” she gave a naughty smile
I smiled her back and said “There is no guarantee, and it might change also. But true love is when I feel the same every time I meet you. And I don’t have to guarantee it, you know it and I know it. That’s it. If I have to guarantee it, it’s a contract, it’s a commitment. There is no freeness of the soul. And you cannot be free or love someone in true sense when your soul is not free. ”
She was silent so I continued “Say for example, I see a girl, if I think of her as hot and sexy and feel in that way. And then I have sex with a girl. That’s a thought and a feeling generated by the girl at that moment. It may not have any emotional effect or anything else otherwise. And of course I can make it otherwise by thinking about her more often and relate my feelings with it. Well, it entirely depends on me. If my thoughts and feelings about you are not clear to me, I may end up having a feeling for any other girl. But, if my thoughts about you are clear and I am happy with the feelings I generate in myself thinking about you, I don’t need to explore the feelings generated by any other girl. And thus, I don’t have to think about any other girl and generate any feelings within me about any other girl. ”
She looked confused, but asked again “What about expectations, getting love in return and my role then?”
I continued “Expectations comes when I will try to control your thoughts. How can I even expect you to do something, if I don’t control you thoughts or feelings? I don’t want to do that. I want you to be free and think for yourself. If you think and feel happy being with me, then it makes me happy too. So, there is nothing like getting love in return, it is just exploring love being together. It is like doing something which makes both of us happy at the same time. And thus your role is just to do what you feel and what makes you happy. If I feel for you, then I will get happy just by seeing you getting happy. It’s just finding my happiness in your happiness without making any effort to make you happy.
She remained silent for few minutes. Then she gave me a sweet little hug and said “I may not understand whatever you are saying. But, I just know that I love you”