I got up in the bus and took the single seat near the window. Looking outside the window from a distance always gave me an unknown pleasure. And bus journies offered me those opportunities. A longer journey gives me more opportunity to be alone with my thoughts. I enjoyed these few moments of my privacy with no one disturbing my thoughts.
The best part is you are surrounded with people but at the same time you are also alone. You don’t know anyone and above all no one attempts to come near you or disturb your privacy. I am in the world of my own.
The bus started moving with the roaring sound of the engine, disturbing all my thoughts, and immediately brought me back into reality. And soon my attention went to outside the window. I started noticing the fast changing scenarios outside the window. Tree, building, mountains, who always remain static have started moving now. They ran so fast from me, as if they are scared of me. While I was mesmerized by the beauty outside the window, a thought struck me.
Suddenly I felt my heart racing really fast. What if she is sitting in the seat behind me? I felt goosebumps all over my body. What will I do then?
And with lot of expectations, hope, disturbing thoughts, terrorizing feelings, I turned around to see at the seat behind me.
She was not there !!!
I turned back and looked outside the window. Nothing changed? trees, buildings, and mountains still running away from me. I want to run too, as I was scared of myself now. How long, how long will I keep running in search of her? I am tired of searching for her.
Every now and then I meet someone, every now and then I think she is the one. And every now and then I am proved wrong. Someone once said, the one way to loose her, is to search for her.
Wait, I know the person sitting in her place. I turned around once again. ‘He was me’. Not Again? When is this ‘ME’ going to leave me alone? Why he always follows me? I knew he is going to ask me something for which I never had answers.
And before I say or think anything, the ‘ME’ sitting behind me, leaned forward and said
“Look at you. You are just thinking about her, because you don’t want to think about what is happening to your life at this very moment” and he laughed with a hissing sound, which was very very irritating.
Is he right? Have I really built this soulmate web around me so that I don’t have to think about something else? Am I really waiting for her, or I am trying to live a life based on a dream? Will a soulmate really change the world for me, or it is just an excuse to run from the very reality around me? Am I really doing that?
Of course my life is in real trouble. With relations breaking around me, all leaving me because of my egoist, somewhat arrogant, un-understanding non-compromising nature. My life is in mess, may be, because I never lived in reality, my life has always been based on dreams. I have always dreamt that I am someone else, and that I came to this world to do something different. And while I survived on that dream, my world shattered into numerous pieces. I created such a clutter around me that now I don’t have the strength to join the pieces together to give it a shape. I just made my world a shapeless entity with numerous holes around it. Unmanaged finances, switching jobs, loosing interests in anything and everything around me, non-committal, non-aggressive, lost in thoughts, no value of time, non-discipline, non-reactive, insensitive etc. are some of the holes are created in my world. Some holes were created by me under compulsions, some were created under some unavoidable situations, some were created by God’s help, and some were just my fate. Overall, they just happened. How they were created doesn’t actually matter, the fact that they are there is what matters.
When did the dream of being a special person, someone unique, changed to the dream of finding soulmate, I didn’t even realized. And then I just started running after soulmate. Maybe because the thought of soulmate is something which is just mine. I may not be able to control or influence other situations or circumstances or people, but soulmate is just mine, I own it. And that’s the hope for me? May be !!!
I turned my face again and looked at ‘ME’ sharply and said “This is my private moment. I can’t allow you to intrude my privacy. So go to hell and don’t disturb me. I am right now very busy dreaming about my soulmate and this journey is dedicated to her thoughts”. Finishing the sentence I turned and stared outside the window.
I could hear him laugh with that hissing sound. And that was irritating.
But then with the wind blowing in my face, changing scenario outside the window, I lost track of ‘ME’ and lost myself in the thoughts of my soulmate.