“Of course I can and I will” dad said, with similar anger tone.
“Don’t you realize I am in trouble? I need help. I need money to survive, to eat food” I continued yelling. I was not creative enough to show my helplessness except shouting. Sometime people are cruel enough to force you to do things that you never want to do.
“What’s new in that, you and your reasons? It is not the first time you are asking money from me. Several times you have take money from me. And everything has a limit, I can’t give you money all the time. I am retired and whatever money I have, I need that for me” dad said in the same anger tone.
I almost closed my hands like a beggar and pleaded, “Dad, please understand. This time I am really in bad situation. You know last six months I have somehow survived without a job. I can’t anymore. Please, do something.”
“You created this mess. Who asked you to leave the job? Why can’t you stick to a job and be like others?” Dad said, still in that harsh, unemotional tone.
“I don’t leave jobs willingly. Circumstances are playing games with me, what can I do if situations are not going good around me? What do I do if I get all bad people as my boss and they take personal vendetta against me?” I was on the verge of crying.
“You are just complaining and complaining like always. I gave you everything to study. I never deprived you from a good education. And you are educated, you have master degree. Who stops from getting a good job? The fault is with you and not with others?” Dad said. My helplessness has no effect whatsoever.
“May be I am bad, may be it’s all my fault. But how can you just throw me out of your life? Am I not just a part of you? Don’t you feel bad doing this to me?” I could not stop my tears this time.
“I didn’t create the way you are right now. You left us and decided to have your own life, stay alone, why? Did you feel bad about us at that time? Your independence was more important at that time.” Still harsh, painful and cruel tone.
“No, I didn’t. I know I did mistakes. But, I realized it. I am saying sorry now. Just save me this time, one last time. Does my sorry do not have any value whatsoever”, my sobbing became louder now. I could feel the anger rising in me.
“This is not the first time you came back and said sorry. And I perfectly know that you will become the same person again the moment I help you out” dad said in a piercing tone.
“That means you are not going to help me. Is that final? You will allow me to go and die or do whatever I want” my tone became hard like a stone.
“Yes”, just a one word answer from dad. He didn’t even realized what it meant for me, that that one word is closing the doors of the world for me.
My sobbing stopped and I felt something hardening inside me, and I said in that tone, “Listen dad, if I am like this today, it’s not all because of me. Somewhere you are also to be blamed. If I am wrong 100 percent, then you are also responsible 50 percent. You taught me to be like this”
“See, your tone already changing. And no, I am not responsible for anything that you are creating for your own. Neither I smoke or drink alcohol, nor did I teach you to do that. Then why are you doing it? I taught you to respect seniors, I taught you to listen to their advices. You chose a different path, and you thought you are bold enough to take a new path. I cautioned you several times earlier. I told you not to revolt against the present system. Not to revolt again your ownself or us”, dad said without any sign of sympathy
“All I did was that I asked question? All I did was that I said I will not follow something just because some old fellow has said. I wanted to learn and experience things. I wanted to experience life. If I can’t adjust with people or obey them, it’s not my fault. I am just like that and you made me like that. But, will you just throw your boy just because he has some bad habits or if he has some fault in him. Isn’t it your duty to stand next to me and do whatever possible to keep me alive or make me face the world”, I could feel my tone become more harsh and cruel now by every second.
“Of course it is parent’s duty to think about their child. But what about the grown up child, isn’t it’s his duty also to think about the parents? How many times do you think we will try to change you and help you? You are simply impossible and you just don’t learn. And no one wants to throw his child. It’s the child who goes away throwing his parents” he didn’t even look at me while saying this.
“Still you are trying to justify your action, Dad. The truth right now is that you are selfish. You are allowing me to go and die of hunger and poverty. You don’t care. All you care is that you need that money for yourself. You know I love you and I will take care of you when you are old. It’s just that I don’t have money right now, but who knows what I have in future” I am becoming bad now. The cruel beast inside me was roaring to revolt against the world now. Who was more selfish, I will never know.
“You will look after me when I become old and sick? Can I trust you with that? Whole life you have never done a single thing which I can call responsible. You are simply a rotten child. I can’t help you anymore. You go and clean up your own mess and do whatever you want” dad followed the sentence with a long breath.
And with that the whole bonding of father and child relation ended.
I got up from the chair, looked sternly at him “Dad, I will survive. And I will prove to you that I am not rotten. The only thing I will feel bad is that no one will be standing next to me when I prove myself to this world. And from today, I don’t need anyone. I will be selfish like you from now on” and I gave a final look at him with all the hatred as I left the room smashing the glass of water in the wall nearby. I had no tears left in my eyes.
He didn’t call me back, but I could see a glimpse of tears in his eyes. It was late.
I will never understand how life story should be – Dad and Me, or, Me and Dad