The Diary, The Movie and The ME !!!

deep-dark-place-hole-feeling-depression Since early childhood I started writing diary covering all my daily activities. The people I meet, what they said, what I felt, what I ate, what I bought etc. etc. Each day, starting with the date and time, I wrote everything that happened that day, till the time I hit the bed.

But soon I got bored by that method of writing, as I already felt or experienced what I was writing, I didn’t had much control over it. There was nothing much about any other character. I needed to experience more, needed to write more.

So, I started observing people. I started writing about my observations about what they are, how they conduct themselves etc. etc. It was interesting. They became my characters, they became my hero’s. I almost wrote everything about my classmates and friends, starting from their date of birth.

But, soon I realized that I was not in the picture. I was not involved in their life and so it was not related to me, nor I came to know that whatever I was observing about them was true or not. It was as if I was watching a movie and writing a movie review. It became boring. I wanted to direct my own movie.

So, I started inserting myself into the life of these characters, I became the part of the movie, sometimes as a hero and sometimes just as a side character. Now, this was getting thrilling. I was witnessing emotions, feelings, love, hatred, anger and much more. And I was part of it. It was not easy. I wanted to create characters of my movie. I wanted to experience it and wanted to be hero. In order to witness the reactions, I had to induce these feelings in my characters. I had to see the expression in their eyes. I had to see how they react to my activities.

My life became a movie. I was acting as a hero. And there were many emotions running around me. Each time I was with a particular character, I acted differently, felt differently. In each movie the hero (the me) is different, his action, his characteristics, his heroine, his enemy, his feelings, his talking, his overall view of life, everything is different. And every time I met a character interesting enough to observe, I did that. I created multiple me. Its not that I was lying, I was just creating a hero and at that moment his feelings were true. If the Hero does not feel the character, the movie is fake. So, I never thought of anything else, and totally got involved in the character. Each feeling of love, betrayal, hatred, enmity, detachment, sadness and everything else was perfectly genuine of that character. I had enough material to write.

But, each movie has an ending. And I had to create the endings each time. Sometimes the situation helped me, sometimes I had to be cruel and sometimes it just happened. But each movie did ended, before I signed for another movie. The endings were important for me, as I wanted to experience that. And surprisingly some of the movies had sequel too. And few of them were rather interesting that the original ones. But, sadly they also had to end.
While I was acting on these movies, something else happened. The moment I used to close my eyes, I started seeing this dark, very deep hole with concrete surrounded boundaries. It was so big that I couldn’t even see the other ends. And I see myself looking deep inside this deep hole, it’s scary. And I thought, why do I dream about this?

I realized, it tells me that I am losing myself in this world of darkness. I am losing myself into an unknown world. This world of darkness is all the characters that I am creating around me. I got so involved in my character each time that I lost track of myself. It’s just that I lost myself. I forget whether I actually want this or it is the character of the movie who wants this. I mean who is the real me?

And I had to bring myself up, I had to be the real me. The movie character cannot go on. At first it was difficult. It was not easy to avoid becoming hero of a movie. It was not easy to avoid writing.

My real life movie may not have a thrilling story, no dramatic emotions, no dramatic endings, no dramatic love scenes, but it is still a movie. May be a silent, black and white movie, but it is still a movie. And I am the hero.

The pages in my diary are blank now.

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