I can’t sleep nowadays, well nothing new. That day I was just lying in my bed… eyes wide open… the blankness of the ceiling throwing its blankness on me. My thoughts were blank, my mind was blank. I don’t want to think anything. The very rationale of thinking something had lost its meaning for me.
The very rationale which says that if we think enough we might find solutions to our problems. But I could not, no matter how hard or deep I think about my questions.
That day looking at the blank ceiling a thought struck me. What will happen to my thoughts when I die? Does it also die with me?
But how can a thought die, how can a dream die?
It stays somewhere, I know it does. Someone somewhere has also proved that thoughts don’t die. They scatter around the galaxy, though it become difficult to identify them. But, my soul stays there, in those thoughts, in those dreams.
But then, do I have only one soul? I believed in parallel universe, and as per that concept I create ‘another me’ the moment I choose a particular path amongst different alternatives. How do I decide then which one is the ‘real me’, a more ‘happy me’ or a ‘more me’? The ‘other me’ which I created must be also thinking and dreaming about something. His thoughts and dreams will also wander around the universe like mine’s. His soul is also somewhere there in the galaxy.
How can that be possible? How can I have soulmate then? If I can’t identify my real soul, If I am not sure whether I am the ‘real me’, then how can I even say that I got my soulmate or I want to search for my soulmate?
With the noise of the cooker whistle, my thoughts got perturbed. I looked at her. She was singing in her soft voice and working with the utensils. I looked at her face. The purity in her voice, the purity in her face, made me lovingly zealous. Does she also have ‘another she’? What if I person I love so much is not the real her? I again looked at her. the wind from the window made her soft hair fall over her face, she quietly removed it with her left hand. It felt as if she removed all the trouble from her life with a soft touch without thinking, without making any noise what so ever.
Then she turned, looked at me and smiled. As if she was aware of what I was thinking. Should I tell her that the person who she think I am is not really true? Should I tell her that I have many souls roaming around in the universe, who probably are in love with someone else? Do I really love her then, if I am not ‘me’ in all true senses?
I remembered remarks made by my friends few days back. They said, they can’t imagine that I am the person who is writing all this posts/ blogs. As far as they know me, I am completely a different person altogether. I realized at that time that, when I write I am not ‘me’, I become a different person. The thoughts which come to my mind are different; they have nothing to do with my present life. I feel something which never happened in my life. Then from where this thought comes to my mind? Is it another ‘me’
I laughed out loud. Am I just a typical case of multiple personality disorder? Or it is just typical for all people to have multiple personalities with hidden thoughts and dreams?
I could not stop my laughs. Every thing is around me is just a lie.
If I am not ‘me’, if I am just a part of ‘me’, then everything around me is just a myth. I am never true.
But then who is ‘ME’ ?