Sometimes certain situation comes in our life whose outcomes are beyond our control. Even if we don’t want to be part of it, we become part of it. And still we can’t control it. Somewhere someone keeps the control. We are just spectator as things unfold in front of us.
I was just involved in this struggle to survive in this mean and selfish world. And with the passing days, I developed mistrust for everything around me. No one existed for me, except me. But like everyone I too had weak moments. I can’t be perfect all the time, when everything around me cries only about imperfections. And it was just one of those weak moments, when she entered my life, unannounced and unceremoniously. I never thought of making her part of my life. I didn’t even realize when she became part of me. She just came like a fresh spring wind, and brushed a new fragrance and freshness around me. She came like the bright sunlight, which made everything in my life brighter.
She had nothing special about her. The innocence in her, the way she trusted me, the way she believed in me, made all the difference. All that she had was this positivity towards life. She always believed in herself and me. She thought we had something very wonderful and spiritual between us. She did whatever I asked her to do. I shouted at her, I yelled at her, I made her cry, I made her ill. But she never protested. She kept on believing in me. She thought I am weak enough to express my feelings towards her and so she never asked for any confirmation about my feelings. She just went ahead with whatever she felt for me. She thought I have something in me which was beautiful. And with this thought she kept on caring for me, irrespective what I did to her or whether I cared for her or not.
I tried to keep her away from me. I thought I will not make her part of my frustration towards life. I pushed her to all extremes, pouring her with all my harshness, bitterness that I had inside me. But, she kept on facing all wrath with a smile. She always came back to me with a smile.
And that’s what I could not resist; her smile and her belief in me, forced me to accept the fate. I started noticing the greenery of the trees around me, and felt their beauty. I never realized that they existed before. Slowly I understood the meaning of beauty. Slowly I understood the meaning of happiness. I wanted to look at life in a different way.
But, I had nothing to offer her in return. I had lost everything in this struggle with life. All I had is this dead body without a soul within me which is not even capable of liking or loving someone. The dead heart has no emotions left. I wish and I seriously wish to give her all that I have, but all I had is this bitterness and darkness inside to offer. This heart has forgotten to beat for someone long time back.
She was just searching for perfection in my imperfect soul.
I just wish I had met her long time back when I used to live and breathe. I wish I had met her long time back when my heart used to beat.