“Why do you avoid saying that you love me?” she asked me looking very strongly at me
“Why do you want to give our relationship a name?” I said very calmly “I met you, liked you, feel seriously about you. But I don’t know whether this is love?”
“That’s just an excuse. You are just scared of commitments” she was fast to reply
“No, I am not scared of commitments. But yes, I don’t want to get bound by commitment, I should not feel compelled to it”, I kept my cool
“Now what is that?” She showed her frustration
“See, if I feel something for you, and if I feel committed, I don’t have to say it. You have to believe in me and trust me on this. I don’t have to say that I love you to prove that?” I paused for a while and continued “feelings need not be defined by societal nomenclature. It’s not necessary to give a name to a relationship. As soon as we give a name to a relation, we bound it by some prescribed behaviors or known standards. There is no independence in that relation. And if you put me in such situation, I feel constrained and I will not be creative in my feelings. You will expect me to behave in a certain manner because I am in certain relation with you. And I don’t accept that”
“But, if you don’t agree to societal system, atleast you need feelings in return. Atleast I should know how you feel about me. There has to be a name to it” her frustrations were visible now.
“Of course you should know. If you can’t understand my feelings then what’s the point in everything that we have between us” I smiled
“But, I want to know whether you love me or not?” she looked at me angrily again.
“Who really knows what love is? If I say I love you, then – am I really explaining all that I feel for you? And is it really necessary to get love in return to love someone? Whatever feelings I have for you does not need any reciprocation. Even when you don’t feel anything for me, my feelings will stay. But, human beings are smart and they move on, if they don’t get what they want. They close all feelings in some closet and forget about it, like the way we forget mathematics formulas as soon as you appear in our exams” I tried explaining my position
“That’s absurd, what kind of love is that when you don’t even want love from the person you love. I think you are just trying to find an excuse, not to say that you love me” She looked the other side
I smiled and said “No, it’s not like that” I paused, thought for a while and said “I love you” and looked the other side too.
As I looked outside the window, it started raining heavily.
Everything turned blur … I could not see a thing clearly… and I just smiled