her thoughts, her dreams …

honour_350_091413055913Few days back I had the opportunity of reading ‘I too had a love story’ and ‘Can love happen twice’ by Ravinder Singh.

Remarkable books by an Indian author, impressive narration of his story and his view on love. Though the stories had unfortunate ending, but he was fortunate enough to atleast feel what love is.

Drawing an analogy, I thought about myself. So funny, he had a love story and in fact a second love story? And look at me, I can’t even say ‘I too had a love story’, as I never had a love story. All I had is this feeling. I even don’t know whether it is called love? Well, maybe this feeling is also little immature?

Being lonely for many days, without talking or seeing her in reality, I have this strange feeling of happiness. I look at myself in the mirror and I smile shyly. I travel alone and I feel happy. I walk long distance alone and I feel energetic, jubilant. This is new and different for me. Was it something to do with her? Yes, it is. Because I was always with her, talking, listening, touching, feeling her, only her thought actually. I realized that this feeling that I have for her is sufficient enough to give my life a meaning. I felt as if I was in a different world. Everything seems so colorful, so bright. Coming to work today, there was dense fog around along the path. I felt as if I was travelling in midst of clouds, in a world of my own with a dream of my own. And in this world only I am there with her, not her physically, but her thought, and the thought of her felt so good. The thought of her, the feeling for her is something so very pure, something so very close to me, something so very dear to me.

Do I really need her when I had her thoughts? No. I don’t need her now. What I feel for her is independent of what actually she is? I like her, I have this strong feeling for her, I care for her, I think about her all the time. She never appreciated this, nor she understood this and strangely now I don’t even want her to appreciate it or understand it. All I know is that my true feelings are there for her, So, why should I even let her corrupt this pure feeling that I have for her? Feelings can’t be wrong, people are. Feelings don’t make mistakes, people do. Feelings don’t expect anything in returns, people do. If I feel something for her, it does not need her appreciation, nor do I want it to be reciprocated. I just have them, and it’s something which is close to my heart, something which gives me a reason to live, something of my own, something which can never leave me ever.

Am I just trying to give myself an excuse, because she ended this relationship with me, because she is no longer in my life, because she didn’t even cared what I felt for her? Is it really possible to feel so strongly about her and expect nothing in return from her? Is it really possible to fall in love with a ‘thought’, a ‘dream’, with no real person existing there?

I gave it a serious thought. And I found out that the answer is YES. A big yes. When I look at a picture, I like it, I love it and it does not matter who draws it. She is like a picture to me, it does not matter what truly she is. I felt something for this picture, now why will I destroy that by knowing what is behind that picture?

All that I want is to fall in love with her thoughts, her picture, her dreams …

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