Pressure of being happy? #atozchallenge

images3I called her exactly at 07:00 pm. Her phone was busy. I called her again at 07:02 pm. Her phone was still busy. I called her again at 07:04 pm. Her phone was still busy.

I lost my cool. I kept calling her. It was 50th call, when she picked up. “What are you doing? You know my phone is busy. Why are you still calling repeatedly?”

I shouted “Why you didn’t pick up my call?”

“You know I was talking to my boyfriend. What am I supposed to tell him?” she said

“I don’t care. You knew I will call you at this time. You could have told him that you have some work” I kept on shouting.

“Why don’t you understand? He is my boy friend. I can’t just give him excuses. Moreover he is calling from far away, and he hardly gets time” she was in the verge of crying.

“If you worry so much about him, then what are you doing with me?” My hands were shaking, I was so angry

“Please, for god’s sake. Try to understand. He is still my boyfriend and I have not yet ended the relation with him. Just give me some time. Everyone in my family knows about him. It’s not so easy to break up. Please I beg you” she started crying. I threw the water bottle towards the wall. With a thud all the water fell. Few drops fell over me also, but got vaporized I know. I hate being helpless. I didn’t know what to do. It was getting difficult for me to control my anger.

I was getting extremely passionate and possessive about her. I just wanted her. I didn’t realized what attracted me towards her. But whatever it was, it was out of control now. And in that sense of jealously I didn’t realized what I was doing. It became an ego issue for me.

She was now crying loudly. I felt pity for her. I do care for her. I don’t want her to cry.

“Now will you please stop crying? I don’t want you to cry. I want you to be happy with me” I was still shouting at the top of my voice. “Now, please say something. I am not going to hear your cries here. You don’t care for me, you just don’t give me any importance”

“No, it’s never like that. You know how I feel for you. I just want your support. I need you” She kept on sobbing.

“What the hell? You need me? But you talk to him for hours. Why? Why can’t you just avoid him?”

“I am already avoiding him. He asked me today again. I think he know that something is wrong. I don’t want him to make an issue in front of my family. You know this is not the right time” she said

“What right time? No time is right time? You just think about the whole world, just don’t think about me. Have you ever thought what I feel? What goes inside my heart? How neglected I feel?” I wish I could smash another water bottle in the wall.

“I know dear. I can understand. It’s just a matter of some days. Let my father come out of hospital, I will talk to him. Please just wait with me for some days. You know I want to stay with you forever” She tried her best to convince me.

“Why should I always try to understand”, this time I kicked my shoe towards the wall.

And the fight continued.

I knew my insecurity is making me react like that. Somewhere I always realized that whatever I was expecting from her was wrong. I understood everything, her position or my position. But, my mind was irrational now. There was some kind of devil inside me who was not listening to me at all.

We made the beginning last year, and the next six month were passionate, loving, caring and what not. Both of us were in heaven. The attraction was so strong that we didn’t even realized what we were doing.

And during the seventh month, her boyfriend came to know about me, and she was in trouble. Her family also came to know about everything. And she was in trouble. I was just 20 years older to her, but I knew no one will approve our relation. Somewhere I also didn’t approved.

And during the seventh month, I ran away. I didn’t called her the day I left her. I realized there was no ending to whatever it was between us. I can’t take it any further. Sometimes stories have no perfect endings, it had to be ended abruptly.

And even today after 3 years, I didn’t call her. And till date I don’t know what I wanted from her? What I wanted to prove? And to whom?

I just wanted to be happy? I was not aware of the pressure associated with being happy?

Linking this post with A-Z Challenge and Ultimate Blog Challenge

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