No one responded, I didn’t even hear the resonance of my own voice. I looked around. No one was there, not even my shadow. Everyone left me. I wanted to shout again, but could not. My voice was choked, I could not make a sound.
I tried harder, holding my neck with my both hands I pressurized, but no, I could not make a single sound. I fell down in my knees; I had no strength to fight this battle now. I can’t shout, I can’t fight with myself now. Again I looked around with a just a pinch of last hope. No one, no one was with me now.
I woke up with full of sweat. Again a bad dream, I was feeling difficulty to breathe. I got up from the bed and took the glass of water. And came near the window to open it, I needed fresh air. But something stopped me. Am I really ready to show my face to this world?
I remembered the last conversation with her.
She said “Why are you like this? I gave my life to you, I loved you. I had no one except you. But still you could not stay with me?”
I was silent.
She continued “I tried everything, I stopped meeting my friends, I stopped going to functions, festivals. I left everything for you. But, still you wanted more. In fact, I never understood what you want?”
I said in the most polite voice “I don’t know what I want. I don’t know why I do and what I do”
Her angry voice came back “Now don’t give me that. You go on a date, you have your private moments with a girl and you are saying you don’t know what you are doing. This innocence is just your pseudo face. I am not going to believe this anymore. You kept on giving me this excuse for several months now. I accepted it, but not anymore. You are just a womanizer”
I looked at her. Is she right? I kept silent. I don’t have any explanation. I never had.
All I wanted was to have some happy moments. Why I went to another girl, I will never know. I am never interested in physical pleasure that much I know. But then what? Yes, she is right. She left everything for me. But then, why was I not convinced, why I wanted something more?
I told her “See, I don’t want to fight. You are right that you left everything for me. But then, I never asked you to leave everything for me. If you are sacrificing something for me, don’t expect me to feel obliged for it. You did what you felt right. I did something which maybe I felt right at that moment”
She shouted “What the hell? You don’t even understand what is love or sacrifice? What do you mean you did what you felt right at that moment? Then what are you doing with me? Why don’t you just leave me and go wherever you want to go?”
How can she do it? I mean you sacrifice something for someone and now you make him obliged, feel guilty that you made someone do sacrifices for you. Is she intimidating me? Now, that’s not right. I can’t be forced to be in a relationship with someone.
I replied. “I needed a break. If I went to some other girl then definitely there is something lacking in our relationship. I don’t know exactly what, but there has to be something?”
She shouted again and smashed the plate into the wall. “I am really pissed off. You and your absurd excuses. You can’t just stick to one person. You need more. What more, I don’t know. You can never be in a relationship with me. I know by now. Just leave me ok, I am done with you. I can’t be with you now. If it just lust for you, then please stay with others, I am not here to satisfy your lust”
This time I shouted “It’s not lust. It has never been lust. I wanted to be me. I was feeling restricted with you. I was not able to carry on the responsibility. I don’t want a relationship. I want to be free”
“Free for what? Free to move around with girls? Is that what you want ?
“No, I want freedom. Freedom to do what I want to do. If I go out with other girls, that just one way of showing my freedom.”
“Again, the same excuses. I don’t understand, why are you with me then?”
She will never understand, she never understood. I don’t know why no one understands me. All I want is to be myself.
Maybe I just wanted to prove something. But what ? I too don’t know this?
May be I just love myself more? May be I just love my soul than any other soul?