Can I kill my soul? #atozchallenge

illus0144Day 1 : A Living person without a soul ?
Day 2 : Being happy in life ?
Day 3 : Can I kill my soul ? 

 When I came out from office that day, it was late. There were very few people in the road. Anyway, I started walking in the alley which joins the main road. I always enjoy this walk to my home from office; it fills me with fresh energy, gives me time to think and look around at people.

As I took the turn towards the main road, I saw him. He was shabbily dressed and sitting in the corner. At first instance, I didn’t give him a serious look, but as I took two steps ahead, I suddenly realized I noticed something different. Yes, his face. I turned back to him and stood near him, I still could not see his face clearly. As I was trying to see his face clearly, a car drove by, and under its big head lights, I saw his face.

I was numbed struck. He face looks quite similar to mine. As I was contemplating what happened, I saw him move.

Slowly he stood up, and now his face was more clearer. Oh my god !!! He is ‘me’. He is exactly my copy.

He smiled. “Of course I am you” he said as if knowing what was going in my mind.

I almost shouted “What are talking about, how can you be me?”

He kept his smile intact. Though his face was alike, but I hated his smile “Can’t you see this face. I am you” he said signaling towards his face.

“Stop, this nonsense. You just look like me. I don’t know why I even stopped to look at you” I wanted to turn and move away.

“No, neither this is nonsense nor I am a look alike. I am just you. The you, which you created few years back” his face suddenly got serious.

“I created you? Am I a god or something that I will go on creating people? Who are you?” Still I didn’t understood why I was having a conversation with him. But something pulled me back.

“Okay, if you don’t agree, let me prove it then. Ask me anything that no one else knows except you?” he smiled

I was surprised. Anyway whats wrong in checking out “Okay, everyone thinks that my favorite color is pink, what is my favorite color actually. Also, tell me the name of my first love”

“Blue is your favorite color, you don’t tell anyone but you always prefer blue over pink”, He immediately replied and then laughed and said “Your first love is you. You have never loved anyone except yourself”

“Are you mad? Of course I have love story. I was in love with her for a long period, though it didn’t turned out to be the way I expected, but still she was my first love” I said angrily. But I didn’t mentioned anything about the blue color as he was right at it.

“Just keep lying to yourself, like always. You liked a girl I know, but you never loved her. You can never love anyone. In fact the separation with her was created by you. And you always do that, you always run from relationships, responsibilities and expectations. You believe these things hamper you independence”, he was again right, somewhere he knows me better than anyone else.

But, I didn’t wanted to acknowledge in front of him that he was telling the truth so I said “Okay, okay tell me then how I created you. Who are you actually?” I was now enjoying the conversation. I hardly have any friend left to talk to. So, someone unknown with no expectations or relationships whatsoever is always good to talk to.

“Whatever you are thinking is right. Now that’s the real you. You realize that I know you better than anyone else” he again laughed. “Okay, I am just you. I mean to say I am the real you, the inner core of you, your soul.”

I burst our laughing “What you are my soul? What are you doing outside? Come inside. I can’t let you roam around here and there. You are safe inside me”

“Well, frankly speaking, I am not that safe inside you. You kill me all the time”, came the prompt reply.

“What? How can I kill you? How can I kill my soul?” I was confused

“Tell me one thing. Why don’t you trust anyone? Why are you not happy with anything around you?” he again seriously asked me.

“Well, it’s not like that I am not happy. Of course I am, I have a family, I have a job, I earn good money. And overall I have a good life and so I am happy? and it has nothing to do with trust” I forwarded my logical explanation.

“What about the inner happiness? What about the happiness of me or your soul?” He was now coming to some serious questions.

“What is that? If I am happy, my soul is also happy.” I still tried to defend my turf.

“Do you even know what is happiness? Tell me, is this the job you always wanted to do? Is this is the life you wanted always?” he was surely shaking me up with his questions now.

“Well, not exactly. But I am just doing a job. I need money to run my family, so I work hard. And try to satisfy my family in terms of whatever they need” I still tried defending myself and my actions.

“That’s my point. You cannot be happy if you are not doing what you want to do” as if he came to a conclusion.

“But, how can I do that? I have a family, I need money. Okay, say I wanted to write and do painting. But, that is not guaranteed money churners. I may not earn money to take care of my family” I asked, I also want to clarify my doubts.

“Then why you did you started a family?” he asked again. This guy really can ask questions, I thought.

So, I replied, “What type of question is that? Everyone needs a family. We want someone around us to take care of us. It’s just a feeling of belonging. We need others”

“Do we really need others? Are you really taking care of them or you are selfish here?” he kept his serious tone.

“No. it’s not like that. It’s a case of mutual interest. I need them and they need me.” I was losing ground now.

“So overall, everyone is selfish out here” the shabbily dressed person smiled. “You are wrong, it’s a wrong perspective of looking at things”

“Really? Then what is the right perspective” I needed clarification now.

“You do what you want to do. And try to find happiness in what you are doing. If you are not happy from the inner core of your heart, you cannot make others happy. The real secret of being happy is being true to oneself. Do what you truly believed in and work to achieve something, something which gives a meaning to your life. You cannot take responsibility for the sake of taking responsibility. You cannot start a family for the sake for starting a family. You should be prepared to make sacrifices. And you have to understand whether these sacrifices can affect your happiness or not” he paused for a while and continued

“As far as money for surviving, how much do you really need? You don’t need much, it’s just that you are not able to align your inner desires in a right directions.” he explained it so nicely.

But, I needed more answers, so I asked “I don’t understand this. See I want to do my work also, I mean whatever I want to do. Also I want a car to drive, go to party, go to outings and so on. These are all fun. What’s life without fun and enjoyment”

“These are fun which gives you momentary pleasure. In the pursue of momentary pleasure you are losing out the eternal happiness of the soul. The satisfaction of doing something which you desire from inside is going to give you the pleasure which nothing else can. The satisfaction of completing a job cannot be compared to these momentary pleasures. The passion which builds on when you pursue you inner desires in what matters”

“Are you talking about the inner desires to mate with a women, I am not interested” I tried diverting the topic as he was saying absurd things now.

“No , not at all. I am talking about the inner desire to achieve something in life, the desire to give your life a true meaning. See, today if you have a car, tomorrow you will desire for a bigger car. So, these desired never diminishes. If you waste your energy in acquiring these material wealth, then you will be always doing that. And you will have no time to seek for the eternal happiness. You will just have momentary happiness”

“But, momentary happiness also matters. I mean it feels good to move around in a good car, spend money here and there”

“How long? I mean there will be always better cars, there will be always people who have more cash to spend then you. So why are just trying to be part of that race. You can’t go ahead of everyone. In true sense, it’s not your fault. You are living in a society which recognizes people with their material wealth. Its difficult not to be a part of this race”

“Of course. I live in a society and I have to do certain things. I mean I have to maintain my status. I have to take a good house, a new model car, throw parties etc.”

“That is true. You have to be a part of the society. But, society is created by people like you. If you all stop running after each other’s wealth, you can grow together. Everyone will be happy together.”

Things were getting too heavy for me now, I wanted to run, like always. So, I asked him the last question “I am getting late now, just tell me finally who are you”

As if he was waiting for that “I am you from which you always run away. You don’t like me, you don’t want to face me. I ask difficult question to you and make your life miserable. You sealed me somewhere deep inside you. And all you do is kill me everyday by ignoring me. I am your sad soul”

I started running. This – my soul or whatever will surely make me mad now. If I start thinking about all this, I will surely miss my last local train. May be I will think about it some other time.

I laughed and thought. “maybe I killed my soul again”

 

This post is part of  A-Z Challenge  and with my theme is “Darkness & Happiness : The Soul Searching”

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