Day 1 : Alphabet ‘A’
I kept staring at the white sheet of paper in front of me. Suddenly an unknown fear surrounded me.
Am I scared of that sheet of paper? How can a simple white paper scare anyone?
Is it the white page that is scary or the blankness of the page that is scary, I didn’t knew?
If I don’t cover that blankness with something, it will keep haunting me forever. I took out the pen to write something, but could not, my hands were shaking. What is happening to me?
I had to let go this surge of nervousness, uneasiness, tension or fear. I closed my eyes. Maybe now I can think of writing something on that blank sheet of paper.
Nothing? It’s dark everywhere. I don’t see any images. It scared me too. Closing my eyes landed me in the land of darkness from the land of blankness, an unknown fear gripped me. I couldn’t stand it.
I opened my eyes and stood up from the chair, looked at the paper once again and went near the window. I saw the sun settling somewhere far away… It was loosing its charm now, it’s brightness going down slowly and slowly.
Am I drawing an analogy? Why am I so scared of reality? Why I don’t want to think anything?
I am also scared of going down. I am scared of becoming invisible, loosing my charm. I am scared of writing the truth.
I took out my cigarette, lighted it and inhaled lot of nicotine’s. “Another way of moving to the death bed early”, I thought.
I came in front of the mirror, and looked at myself. I don’t know why but I said loud ““Why am I so scared? Scared of this blankness, darkness etc. what are these?”
My shadow in the mirror looked calm. Maybe the nicotine had a faster effect in him. Suddenly the shadow spoke from inside the mirror, “You are scared of yourself, the blankness and the darkness inside yourself. And that’s the truth. They are nothing but just the hatred, frustration, revenge etc. and you yourself created it inside yourself.”
I asked again “But why, why I have this darkness inside me”
The shadow again replied calmly, ”It’s your creation. It’s very difficult for anyone to understand and acknowledge the fact that he or she is just a simple normal person. And that’s what you are. But, no, you will not understand that, all you want is to be special, something different. And set extremely high standards for yourself, once you are not able to achieve those, there is frustration inside your, an unknown hatred or a sense of revenge against everyone. And that’s what is creating this darkness inside you”
Now I was getting angry at my shadow “What are you saying? Who wants to be called a normal person? Of course I want to be special, at least special for someone, if not for all. I want appreciations and that’s why I set up high standard for myself. I have capabilities also, and I can prove to the world that I am different”
The shadow smiled “Does it really matter what you think? Does it really matter what you do or what you want. Do you really get what you desire or want?”
“Of course it matter” I shouted immediately “Sometimes I may not get what I want, or may be I don’t get what I want. But I work, I can work. I can put my soul into everything, I can achieve anything. I am born with hundreds of ambitions, desires and energy”
My shadow kept smiling “Don’t you realize that something somewhere control everything around you. This super power is extremely powerful, powerful enough to control your destiny and everything around you. No matter what effort you put in, if that’s not in your destiny you will never get it”
“No, I don’t care, I can create my own destiny” I kept shouting. “I know he created a net of such complexities around me that I ended up nowhere. I lost myself in struggling to survive, live for others and creating pseudo happiness around me. I struggled in my relationships, lost my jobs, and became bankrupt, lost friends and what not. No one, simply no came for my rescue. I faced all onslaughts alone, but I survived. And still surviving, but everything inside me became blank, just like a blank paper. I had no emotions left, I don’t cry, no one laughs at my jokes, I start a fight or hurt people with my sense of humor. But, I am still fighting and will fight till the end of my life. I will come up against my destiny”
I continued “everyone kept criticizing me, tried finding faults in me. Many said I didn’t put my sincere effort or not enough hard work. I heard everything”
The shadow kept his cool and said “Every anger, hatred against them kept boiling inside you because you know you did put in effort. In fact, you put in everything that you had inside you. But, it doesn’t matter. This complexity which is created around you is your destiny. You in the run for your ambitions, for something. That something which probably you don’t know what is? And you ruined everything. You ruined your life”
I kept shouting “maybe I don’t know what I am running after exactly. But I want something and I am ready to put everything in life to get it”
The shadow paused for a little and spoke again “But does everyone get what they wish for. No. they don’t. Everything had a limit. You crossed your limit many years ago. You kept meeting failures at each turn of your life. It’s just that situation were never under your control. You have no super powers. You are nothing against the might of this unknown super power who controls your life. You are just a puppet in his arms and he makes me sing and dance the way he wants you to. You are now just a living person without a soul”
I calmly replied “I did mistakes, I agree. Everyone does them. But I did repented, said sorry, rectified. But, was it necessary to offer me the strongest punishment for such mistakes. Well, maybe I deserved it. In relationships, I was never able to understand others. They termed me selfish, egoist, irritating, bore, non-humors and what not. In job they told me I sluggish, unprofessional, non team worker, slow and what not. Friend didn’t like me as I was not party hopper, non humors, boring, and again what no. Overall no one liked me, appreciated me”
The shadow smiled “How long can you carry this? Just look around at people around, everyone is happy, successful, enjoying life. Why can’t you? Why you don’t have anything which makes you happy? All you have to do is to leave everything to destiny. Don’t aspire high enough that you can’t achieve. Learn to be happy with what you have, learn to appreciate others with what they have and soon they will appreciate with the way you are. You can’t fight the superpower, your destiny. The best possible to be happy is to surrender yourself to it.”
I looked at the mirror for the last time. I smiled, the mirror is right. My restlessness is gone now, I am not scared anymore.
I thought “All I have to do is be a living person without a soul”
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