“Why can’t you write, if you really understand yourself? It’s the best way of showing your confusions and providing multiple answers. May be you can just write about our conversations.
I know I don’t exist for you, I am a compulsion or may be a burden, you are never you with me. Anyway, let’s not get into you and me conversation. Point here is, you are just having a superficial conversation with me also. I know no one around you is important enough for you, except you. I am just a case, a plot or may be simply a character for you, which might provide you some clue on how people think, or may clarify some of your confusions. I hope you understand what I mean” she will not change, never misses an opportunity.
“Ok, ok enough of flattering or insult. What I think about is not important here, nor I am interested in giving an explanation on that. It’s for you to decide whether you are as an object in my life, or you matter more than that. If feelings are to be explained, they are not feelings at all. Let’s come back to the main point, I was saying, even if I write about conversations, what do I write? Should I write how people fell in love? What they feel when they are in love? Tell me one thing, who can really think about love in this atmosphere? Everyone is just running here to survive, to breathe. Forget about love, life is cruel here. We are all facing harsh situation. Do you really think people want to read about happy things?”
“Tell me one thing, who wants to read about reality? Everyone is scared about the truth about life. We know many things but we just avoid it, because we don’t want to spoil our happy times” she sounded so confident and clear in her thoughts.
“But then that’s superficial. That happiness is not real. Why will someone avoid reality?” sometimes I just don’t understand her logical explanations, but I knew she was smarter than me, probably lesser confused than me.
“There is no way around. We live in society. We have some obligations, some compulsions. Moreover, we go to a movie, party, park, shopping etc. just to have fun. We don’t sit in home just thinking about the harshness of life or what we have suffered. Even when difficult phases are there; we just go out, maybe sometimes under obligation, but we learn to survive” somewhere I felt she is correct.
But I needed to understand more, needed more clarity on this “Why will I even go to a party if I don’t feel like going? I don’t go. I don’t care if people don’t like it. I am not answerable to them. I am just answerable to myself”
“Now, that is also known as being selfish. You just think about yourself. It can also be considered as that you don’t think about anyone else, only you matters” she is harsh sometimes, even to me.
“No, it’s not like that. If I don’t like doing something and I am doing it, then I am not happy. And if I am not happy, then I cannot make others happy. If I am seeking my happiness in others, then I can never be happy”
“What about compulsions, society, obligations, relationships? And what you are saying is surely going to make you a loner”
“That’s my whole point. What I believe is, first I need to understand myself in true sense. I can only understand myself – if I can find out how I am going to react in different situations. If I can explain all my behavior, all reactions with a logical explanation. And if I know myself, then I will know how I can be happy. And that is eternal happiness” I paused for a minute, “so, all I write is understanding life in different perspectives. Some find it dark, some frustrations, but I truly believe some will still appreciate my view of trying to understand life”
I continued “about the positive things about love, I believe, two human beings can stay together and achieve the eternal happiness, if they understand each other in true sense. If both of them understand how the other person is going to react under different situations. Some people might feel that I am becoming judgmental sometimes, but that’s how they are looking at it, not me. I am just putting forward some perspective, it does not mean at all that I feel or think that way”
My attempt on convincing myself through her continued “Now, you cannot hope another person to understand you, if you yourself are not clear about yourself. And in those circumstances, everything is just superficial” I again paused for a bit to let everything sink in.
“Without understanding oneself, if you do something, you will never have a proper explanation as to why you did it. May be you will come up with some justifications, but that will be just to cover up something which you don’t want to think about. And that is selfish for me, as you are hiding something. And that’s never pure feeling, keep apart love. ”
“Ok, ok .. keep writing whatever you are writing. You are just giving me a headache. I don’t want my another day to be destroyed by your confusions” she yawned. I heard the beep beep sound, she disconnected the phone.
My conversation with her was over. Was it a ghost that called me or she actually called? Then, I heard the birds chirping outside the window. Another day has started, another day of loneliness, another day of struggle with life, and another day of seeing cruelty of life. Or in her terms, another day of happiness, another day of cheating, another day of faking, another day with another justifications.
I laughed out loud, before closing my eyes. I was tired.