I too did many things, more often thing for which I never had any explanations. Or I didn’t seek any explanation. There was no need for me to be perfect all the time.
Sometimes I didn’t care, I just did what I felt like doing at that moment of time.
Of course it had consequences, sometimes good, sometimes bad. But can I really understand life if I keep on thinking about consequences all the time. Well, I never believed in that.
Reality itself is very hard to digest. There are circumstances when the restriction of relations, commitments, responsibilities, friendship, love, family and many more make me feel constrained, give burden of unknowns, unable to open arms, breathe properly. And then I want to be free, run away far from these realities, these restrictions, without even thinking of what I will do, what are the consequences, who I left behind. I just run away.
That’s a classic case of an escapist. May be, but the truth is, how far can I struggle with life? What do I do when everything I touch becomes tar? What do I do if I am labeled as failure? What do I do when I cannot maintain commitments, relations? What if these burdens are too much for me?
I struggled, worked hard, put every bit of my soul into it, but, how far? How long can I continue this struggle with this unknown power of failure? Everything has limitation; I too have my own limitations. At one point of time things becomes unbearable, it becomes difficult to keep me away from breaking down. I lost hope and in desperation to survive, to build on what I lost, I do many things, things which are not done under normal circumstances, things which I may not approve under normal circumstances. But still I do it because I wanted to survive.
I never felt guilty of what I did. May be I did things which probably I would not have approved under normal circumstances. But sometimes, in order to survive, I had go to extremes and do things which are different. I had to try to achieve something this way or the other way.
I believe our mind is very powerful. It creates diversions when it feels threatened. And it also finds different ways of expressing oneself under different situations. I was surprised to see that even under extreme hardship conditions I never get angry in the outside. I felt the people around me are not worth showing my anger or frustrations, as it has nothing to do with them. But inside the anger and frustration was piling up and I was not sure where it was going. Then I realized I am doing certain things and I never had any explanation for those things. Is this how my mind is diverting its anger and frustrations. Well, I am not sure. Or may be I am just trying to give an explanation to whatever I was doing. Ultimately, I needed to blame someone, so what’s wrong in blaming my mind with all its anger and frustration and then frame it as the culprit. I kept on saying, “I don’t know”, projecting an attitude that I don’t know what I am doing. But is it the truth? Is the mind really not aware what it is doing?
Somewhere I always knew what I was doing. Everyone know what they are doing. It’s just that sometime they don’t want to listen to the explanations; they don’t want to become rational. May be I got failures because I was rational, may be I am just fed up of being rational and think about others. The rational mind cannot do many things, but the irrational mind can find justifications for the hidden desire of being irrational, breaking societal norms, being an animal.
The question is when you want the animal inside you to rise and take away your worries. The animal inside us is always hidden and sleeping. But the animal instinct, the instinct to react when you feel threaten is always there. No one can run away from that. It’s just that we don’t allow it to rise. Once the animal is in free rein, it can’t be controlled by us. But, the animal will come out. I am not scared to let this animal out. I am not scared of being irrational.
However, the fact is, I am still writing with this rational mind and still seeking an explanation.