Me, and my God

UntitledI looked at the sky and saw the smile made by the clouds. If you think that you won, then you are wrong, I thought. You still have not. My dear God, I know I am weak, fragile, devastated, broken. But I will survive, I still have the strength to take on this world. I can still fight. This is not the first time he is playing this game with me.

It is not the first time that I see all darkness around me with no light of hope. But I came out of the darkness every time, and this time again I will come out.

Everything started from when I saw her for the first time. Her beauty struck me, there was something special about her, she moved with some kind of an aura around her. I looked at her so closely that day that I still remembered every detail of the way she looked, the white ribbon she used to tie her hair, the big blue circular ear rings, the black slippers, the three blue bangles in her left hand, and the white salwar kurta. But that was it, I didn’t felt anything different. There were no bells ringing, there was no sudden lightening, no thunder bolts, nothing. I just felt fresh, just happy somewhere inside, and maybe I smiled. I didn’t felt anything different that day but I didn’t realize how that first meeting turned into a relationship on which my life survived. I was never sure whether I fell in love with her that day or some other day or never. God played his first trick.

I still don’t know how easily I spent my four years in her arms, dreaming with her, smiling with her. Every second in these four years I was with her, her thoughts. It was all rosy, with different colors around us all the time. I was in love, or thought so, and she was in love. And both of us felt the mystery of love all around us. The expectations, the loving fights, the passion, the impatience, the kiss, the waiting, the looks, everything was so beautiful and wonderful. I never realized that these beautiful and wonderful things can become the greatest curse in my life forever. I never realized how I destroyed my life in these four years, loving her and dreaming with her.

Exactly on the day of our fourth anniversary, she announced the death sentence of my love. She calmly left me, left me with all the unfulfilled dreams, all the hopes, all the loneliness and all the expectations. She just went away leaving me alone in this world on unknowns and darkness, and didn’t even realized that she carried my soul alongwith. And this time all bell rang, there were lots of lightening, thunder bolts. God played his second trick

Till today, after another four years, on our anniversary day, I don’t know why she left me. I didn’t met her again, and all I was left was the body without its soul. I did asked her the reason several time, though not in real, but in my thoughts, but still I didn’t got the answer. It’s not that I just asked her question, I do talk to her about several things. Whom I met, what we talked about, why I am feeling lonely, how I failed in my work etc. etc. She never replied to anything that I said, but doesn’t matter, I like to share things with her in my thoughts.

He played his third trick, when I started loosing myself in her thoughts. I lost track of time, lost interest in the world around me, forgot names of my friends, forgot the names of the byelanes. My world was only her picture, her thoughts, her memory, her laughs, her smell. This hollowness, emptiness, loneliness in me was slowly destroying me inch by inch. I started doing things which I don’t remember doing it. I went into unknown lanes and found it difficult to come back. I was trying to find an explanation for surviving.

But then on a very fine day, this thought stuck me with a force of a thunder lightening. Am I trying to enjoy this feeling of devastation, loneliness, pain, betrayal? Did she actually left me or I intentionally created some situation so that she can leave me? Did I really loved her? It was just a chapter of my story, my life, it does not have any more significance apart from that. I had other chapters before that and I am sure I will have other chapter after this. If that is the truth then what I actually want?

I tried to playback my life with her. The feeling of love which probably she generated in me was much more important to me than her physical presence? What is that? Well, somehow I realized, I wanted to feel this feeling of love and She gave me that. But once I had that, she was no longer required. With her thoughts I was building my world. Her imperfections forced me to think of the perfect moments. And in my dreams she acted perfectly, she did exactly what I anticipated. I slowly turned out a loner. I still remember she once said “I FEEL USED”… Did she understood what I did with her. How I created my dream soulmate, with just the thought of her. I think she did. She left me citing no reason. Because she knew exactly that it was not needed. I needed no one. I was in my world, creating my own characters, loving them and laughing with them. I was turning into a loner.

I also remember she once said “You should ask God for your answers”. How can I tell her that God has never been a good friend of mine. He kept on playing his sweet tricks on me. He didn’t presented me with my soulmate, but instead gave me the power to desire for what was not there. He gave to the power to understand what I am capable to getting in my life, gave me the power to understand the true power of love and understanding. He gave me the power to miss my soulmate and to stay lonely. He played his tricks when he made me realized that I should not compromise with anything at all, and that any relation based on compromises is never a true relation at all.  I realized somewhere deep inside that she is not the one I am waiting for. But I wanted to feel this feeling of love and separation, in order to understand what love is all about. I wanted to be ready for my soulmate.

Is that what I thought and felt about her?. Or I am just trying to give an explanation to myself that somehow she is not there with me and I have a valid reason for that. And that I can survive with her pictures, that I can love her dreams. No, I am just lying to myself. I am just carrying my life further, as I am not brave enough to do otherwise, I am not living. All the time I realized that this life of me had no meaning without her. But what am I supposed to do here. Cry? What do I do when I realize that she no longer love me, care for me, or is not even bothered that I exist. What can I do if I feel happy but realize that there is an unknown hollowness inside me. No matter how hard I tried to give myself an explanation, I know I am crying inside. There was an ache in the heart, as if something was not there. There were no colours around me, it was all faded pictures with no life whatsoever.

God, you are trying to break me. But, I will convince myself that she was not my soulmate. My soulmate is still out there somewhere. And she will come to my life one day. I will wait. I will live and wait for my soulmate.

God kept playing his tricks with me. And I am still finding explanation for it.

And yes, God, you used me to prove a point. But, I am not going to ask you anything.

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