me, my love

ONTHETRACKS-BW.jpg~c200I love walking besides her. It was a beautiful evening and we were walking besides the train lines. Neither of us spoke anything, nor was it required. We just wanted to feel each other. It felt so good just to be near her. As we walked, she suddenly stopped and looked at me. She had love in her eyes, an unsaid desire in her eyes.

She will probably never have enough words to explain her feelings but her eyes did it. She softly said “I just want you to be with me like this forever”.

I could not say anything. Then she came close and holding my hand brought me closer. I missed my heart beat. She leaned her head slightly on my shoulder and continued walking. Her fingers crossed on my fingers and the sensation went up from the fingers to my heart. My breathing got faster. It always happens to me when she comes so close to me. I didn’t even looked at her. I knew it was difficult for me to control myself. I just wish I can keep holding wish her hand forever.

“Why are you so silent today” she asked. What shall I say? Should I tell her that I can’t stand someone loving me so much? Should I tell her that I don’t now whether I love her or not?

I just feel different with her. I just like when she walks towards me and when she looks at me and smiles, I just like the way she acknowledges my presence around, I just like when she cooks my favorite dishes and sings my favorite songs, I just like when she does silly acts to make me laugh, I just like when she talks intellectual stuff to make my head turn, I just like when she wears her new dress and asks for my acknowledgment, I just like when she uses my favorite perfume, I just like when she cuddles herself in my arms, I just like d way she closes her eyes when I kiss her, I just like to see her playing with the children around, I just like when she claps her hands while cracking a joke, I just like the way she hugs me when I am upset, I just like the way she looks at the mirror and talks, I just like the way she keeps talking non-stop, I just like the way she sleeps keeping my arms as her pillows. I just like the way everyone admires her beauty, I just like the way she sharpens her eyebrows, I just like the way she smartly ties her hair into a pony, I just like when she kicks me lovingly while walking together, I just like the way she tries to encourage me, I just like the way she relaxes when I drive, I just like the way she calls my name, I just like the way her eyes become bright on seeing me, in fact I just like everything about her.

But that’s it. So is this love?

I mean why I don’t feel the passion, the hunger to meet her, to run and leave everything to meet her? Have I just taken her for granted and assumed that she is supposed to do all this as she loves me. Well, in that case what is my role here? Am I also doing what she wants? Love should bring some passion isn’t it. You should feel like singing songs in garden, dance in rain, laugh loud, watch late movies, kiss in the car or in cinema halls, cry and laugh, fight and fight, go to long drives, get jealous, get angry, make her wait or wait for her, and so on… but here I am not doing anything like this at all. So what if we stay together and enjoy each other’s company and infact forget all about the time we passed. But that’s not called love, isn’t it? Love is not supposed to be so boring, there is no excitement at all. She doesn’t create a scene, she doesn’t make me zealous, she doesn’t hide her phone from me, she shares her facebook password with me, she read books in her free time or just does something for me, she doesn’t hide anything from me and so on. So where’s the fun of being in love.

Do I really understand what true love is? Right now, with her, I remained silent.

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