the shattered me

Shattered_Me_by_TheRabidArtistIt’s not that I didn’t made the attempt to break the stalemate this time, I did, because I couldn’t stand it anymore. The  fear of losing her was too overpowering, the desire to know about her, her well being, hear her voice was too strong, the urge to be part of her life was too unbearable. I did tried to get in touch with her, I called her also, but could not get what I wished for. Nor she put in any effort to give me what I wished for.

It was difficult for me to reach upto her, it was real difficult, as I was unable to make her understand what I wanted, what I expected and what I wished for. Then, out of the blue moon, she contacted me. And without much effort she said she has accepted the relationship has ended. It shattered everything.

How can it be so easy for someone to accept that a relation has ended? Can we end relations like that? Can we just stop talking to a person and he or she is erased from memory? Don’t we make an effort to keep a relationship if that is everything for us? Why it was so difficult to come back for her? All she had to do was to ask me to be there with her, I would be there beside her. But No, she didn’t ask, not even once, but accepted that everything has ended. Whatever difference we had, was that so difficult to solve? All she had to do was to say that whatever has happened let’s close the issue, I did mistake, you did mistake, but let’s not end this, let’s talk through this. Isn’t that a simpler way of handling things? Well, if someone can so effortlessly destroy everything that I built up, everything that I survived on, everything that I cared for, it just paralyzed all my thoughts.

And the terrible thing is whenever I say these things later, she realizes her mistakes and ask for forgiveness, like always. But, Is it so easy to forgive someone? And anyway why should I have to even say all these things? Don’t we feel these things? Do we simply put aside what is so important for us and move ahead? Do we simply let it go without even making an attempt to keep things that we like? If I can break the stalemate each time some misunderstanding happens, was it so difficult for her to do it, atleast once? May be I didn’t understood her, may be I mistrusted her, may be I was wrong. So what, Is everyone perfect here? Don’t I forgive her when she is wrong? Don’t I make an attempt to set things right, yes I do. Then why didn’t she?

If people are like this, then may be it’s good that I don’t like people. I had bent myself further than I anticipated and I know the days of separations are never going to end, no matter how hard I try. The moments of joy are never going to come back to my life, how hard I try. Probably I will never say anymore to anyone, probably I will write about my feelings one day somewhere. But today, I don’t want to tell her anything, I don’t want to share with her anything. And I believe I can survive, as I have for so long and as she always used to say. Again my life has become a complex geometry instead of being a simple straight line

I still don’t have tears in my eyes.

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