I don’t know

Helplessness-1_2009_oil-on-canvas_155x240I waited and waited, but she never called and days passed by. Was it so difficult to call?

I had this feeling of helplessness, which can’t be expressed by mere words. It’s the heart which feels it. I landed up in a situation where I can’t move forwarded nor can I look backward. Life is never a straight line for me, never. It always took the shape of some complex geometry around me.

I don’t know what to think now. I don’t know what to think about you now. I don’t want to think that you don’t think about me now. I don’t want to think that you betrayed me. I don’t want to think you don’t care about me. I don’t want to think that you are not mine. I don’t want to think that you don’t love me anymore.

Believe me, I always trusted you from the core of my heart. In fact I always trusted you more than I trust myself. The problem is I know I am not good a person at all. Problem is I know I can never be happy. Problem is I expect too much. Problem is I am passionate about everything and anything. Problem is I am too insecure about you. Problem is I am too zealous. Problem is I ……..

All I wanted was to be part of your life, part of you. All I expected was you to share things with me, no matter how trivial they may be. But, you didn’t. You always created a life which was different with me and others. I was never able to move into the other part of you, no matter how hard I tried. I made it clear to you several times, but things didn’t change, may be you preferred it that way. I just wanted to be part of your happiness; I wanted to be the cause of your laughter. Was I asking too much? Maybe the issues which hurt me are very simple for you. Maybe for you they are not issues at all. But, believe me, once you come to my position, you will realize how painful they are.

Your silence always kills me. Your innocence always kills me. Your trust always kills me. Your smile always kills me. Your care always kills me. Your love always kills me. But you don’t understand. And never will. You don’t understand that your one look can make me live a life time and still you don’t give me that.

But now, I am no one to ask for it.

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