Like every other day we had a fight over a trivial issue revolving over trusting each other. And we ended up in a no-talking terms. In any other day it would have been me who would break the stalemate and make the first move. But, this time I didn’t. Nor did she… So, days passed without me hearing her voice. Loneliness has now a new meaning for me.
It’s not unusual that small things were irritating me now a days, and I never blamed her for anything. I get angry at very small things and at her and I always felt pity for her later. But, I was never like this, nor I want to be like this.
As time passed by, I contemplated on what happened, and realized that whenever I used to get happy with her, I used to get scared. I believed, soon this happiness will be cursed with cruel hardship and sorrow. And thus, I tried to make it difficult, tried to run away from it. Sometimes reasons were given by her, sometimes I found out the reasons. Either way it was painful. It was never her fault, it was always my fault. Maybe I am unable to see people getting happy around me. May be because I can’t be happy, may be because I fear happiness, maybe I can’t bear the cost of happiness. For me happiness always came with a cost. I was happy, but many years ago. And over these years so many things happened around me that they crushed me to a living dead body with no emotions or happiness. Time played its game with me, offered me all hardship in a platter. It’s just that it took away all my tears and ME along with. Of course, no one to blame for it, it’s my life and may be it was what I was destined for.
I am a person who doesn’t deserve to be happy in this life time. A person who can’t be happy himself cannot make the other person happy, that’s the truth and I have to accept it. And why should anyone sacrifice his or her happiness for me. That is wrong, and I don’t even expect anyone to do it. So, even when I try, in fact try harder at my level best, I can’t make her happy. And when I heard that she can be happy with someone all day, she can laugh all day, what else can I wish for?
I still don’t have tears in my eyes.
Looking to your eyes, I can sleep again
Looking at your lips, I can smile again
Looking at you, I can live again
Look at my eyes, I don’t want to cry again
Look at my lips, I want to laugh again
Look at me, I want to live again