She is just insecure. And, I really don’t have a solution for that. She just have to let me go. I never said I am leaving her, I just need some time to understand myself better. I just can’t allow someone to chip off my wings. It’s difficult for me to live a life like this, being answerable for every thing, giving clarification, speaking out everything.
Isn’t soulmates supposed to be female versions of you, atleast as far as understanding is concerned. Isn’t she supposed to understand what I think and feel. If she is my soulmate then why do I need to explain her anything. She should know it.
If she thought that I was putting up superficial face, that all my display of feelings were to make her happy and are not the real ones, then that’s wrong. That’s an absolutely wrong way of blaming me. How can she even think like that when I did so much for her, loved her so much. Of course, there might have been moments of my aloofness, but still I was with her. Everyone needs their own space, sometimes. And I believe there is nothing wrong in that. Everyone needs their own independence and own identity. Why she can’t understand that? I gave her own independence and freedom. I never objected her in living her own life. So is it wrong if I expect the same in return. And whenever she needed me, I was there. I just forget her birthday, may be once, but that can’t be a big issue. It can happen with everyone. I was stuck into this world of confusion. I had other things to clear up, and might have forgotten few things. Does that mean my feelings are all fake?
My mind did paused for a while. I felt the dark side of the brain was smiling at me.
May be, she is right. Maybe I am still looking for something. May be there is still something missing in this relation that we have. Of course I don’t know what. And that is what I want to find out. Find out what is that I am looking for. She might take it otherwise, but I can’t loose my identity, ‘ME” is important than anything else.
I closed my eyes again. I wanted to spend some more time in this darkness. I smiled back at the dark side of the brain. “Come take me over” I said softly. I had this dark side inside me, may be subdued, may be not acknowledged. But I have it. The animal, the cruel, the heartless, the beast inside me. I know it. And I know that it only comes out in this darkness. I wanted it to take over me. I wanted to be the cruel beast.
There was absolute silence. Her laughs or her cries were no longer there. Just a sign of a developing storm around me. I was scared. Do I really want this darkness to take over me?
I was silent, my mind also went silent ….