Since last many days I was restless, helpless, confused. Something kept on bothering me, and I had no idea of what it was. I did things and I don’t remember doing it. I stay with people but I am lost somewhere else. I saw myself turning into a silent creature, a lone creature, a sad creature. I knew I have to go. I have to go somewhere very very far. I need some space, some more time to find some answers. And that is when the darkness, created by me, engulfed me. The Darkness of my mind engulfed me.
Now, I was alone, without anyone knowing me, anyone seeing me, loving me or caring me. I was not answerable to anyone anymore. It was during these thoughts, I heard her laughs.
So far she had never said anything to me. So far she never laughed like this. It meant something. Her face came in front of me, she said “It’s painful and hurting to see you go. I tried very hard to go close to you, to be with you. But, I am seeing myself struck in a situation where I am unable to move ahead with you, no matter how strongly I want to. I wanted to understand you more, understand your feelings more, be your more. But no, you won’t allow it. You lived with the thought that you are not answerable to anyone except yourself. All that mattered for you is you. You believed that you don’t have to give any explanation to anyone for your actions. You always did what you felt is right and no one ever existed for you. You always had that brick wall around you which no one can break in. You never allow anyone to move in?”
Of course, I existed for myself only. My independence is important to me and there is nothing wrong in it. If someone has to stay with me, they have to realize this and accept me in whatever form I am available. I cannot stay being answerable to someone for ever. I have to do what I feel is right for me. If someone is not able to accept that. Then it’s not my problem.
I didn’t even realized how smoothly her laughs turned to cries. But it did pierced my heart even more. She continued “I know independence is important to you. But have you ever thought that it is possible to be independent even when you are with me. Why can’t you trust someone? Why don’t you understand that if you keep running away from everyone, then one day you will be alone, just alone. But no, you won’t. I know it. You cannot accept it that you are emotionally dependent of someone. That someone knows your weaknesses. That someone might know you, the real you. You just want to have a superficial relationship without any emotional attachments. As you believe getting emotional with someone will lead to expectations. And you believe expectations will lead to hurt. It makes you answerable. That’s why you keep looking for changes. New acquaintances, new relations. And you continue them as long as they don’t make you answerable. You don’t even realize where this is leading you to. You are nowhere. You are just alone in this world.
And, I believe that’s the saddest way of looking at things. A love is all about expectations. But these expectations are not burdens, not forced upon. These are feeling that both individuals in love enjoy, like to be part of. You love riding bike and I am scared to death in bike. But, seeing you happy makes me happy. So I ride with you. You don’t like hindi movies, but I can die for them. So, you join me to enjoy it. These are not expectations, these are being part of the loved person happiness and be happy. No, you won’t agree. You will even say that you do it because you want to make and keep me happy. You assume it is your duty to keep the loved one happy. Even at the cost of your happiness or liking. You assume it is a kind of a battle and you have to win. You assume that if you keep doing things which I like, I will like you more. You just act. And that hurts” …. I was silent….