Last few days, I was feeling restlessness. Why this happens to me, I never understood. Again, I am here but no here. Something was bothering me and I don’t know what.
It was midnight on 22nd November, 2013. I was in the galaxy of my life. I saw me. The other form of me, which I created few days back, looked sad. He came close to me. I looked at him closely. Yes, he was sad. I saw that sadness in his eyes. And I was scared. I didn’t wanted to see that sadness, I didn’t wanted to know anything. I created this me because I wanted it to be happy. But…
We sat together. We were silent. He knew that I didn’t wanted to know what made him sad. But, it was my life only. So, had to know. He said “It’s not your fault. It’s what life is all about”. I wondered what made him say that. He continued “Time never stops, Time never waits. Everyone moves ahead. But, no you don’t believe this. And you created me just with that thought. And I kept on that believe that no matter how time passes, thoughts remain there. It has been tough life for me after the moment you created me. It is because of you and your weakness that I was born with.”
I knew that. I knew that I am weak. I knew that I can’t have everything in one life. I created him so that he can have his own life, which I wish I had. But, may be that too is not possible. May be it’s difficult to create parallel life’s in any form. May be people still want everything in real world. They want everything materialistic. And I know my other form of life can never give anything in return in this life form.
“I told you not to become emotional”, I shouted at him. He looked at me. Smiled and said “Is this you who is saying this? You know very well that I am just you, though you created me for being happy. But, I am just you. And I can’t even survive without being emotional. I can’t survive without letting my emotions out. And that’s what I did. I wanted to be happy. So, I did what made me happy. I was happy as everything happened as I imagined. I never realised that I was getting into a far more worse situation then you ever thought of. It’s not my fault. What can I do if other people looked at life differently? What can I do if people start expecting things in return of emotions? What can I do if people want to see me getting hurt?”
No, not again. I didn’t created him to again get entangled into ‘what is there for me’ kind of paradox. I laughed out loud. Time never changes. No matter how many life form I create. The fact always remain that I am just a weak person. That I can’t hurt people even if they hurt me. That I do care for people, even when all they care is about themselves.
What do I want then? A question, which I never had any answers. May be I just want peace. May be I don’t need this new form of life that I created to be happy. May be I should realize that I have just one life form full of loneliness and sadness.
Suddenly, I felt relaxed, a silent calmness surrounding me. Again, I saw that darkness coming towards me. I knew it will engulf me soon. And it will be a long time till I see that light again. But, I was calm. I was smiling. This time I was prepared. This time I don’t have tears in my eyes. They are too dried up. There was no pain in my heart.
I wish I could continue being happy. I knew I lost it. The night changed my life.