Two days passed away. Me trying to convince myself that I am in love, she trying to make me convinced that this is love. But, still I am no where. The thought which was bothering me again and again since beginning was ‘am I really running away’. Running away from her, or just running away. Why is that she is not able to convince me? Or rather I convince myself that I am really in love ? What is that I am still looking for?
On the third day. I casually asked her, “Why are you insisting so much that this is love”, instantly realizing that it was a wrong question. She stood still for few minutes. Then suddenly shouted “Just go to hell, since last many days I have been trying to hold you back. Keep you with me. But, no, you won’t stay. Somehow your so called smart brain will find a reason convincing enough to leave me, sooner or later. And I know once you are gone, you are gone. You will never come back. Even if you come back, you will never be the same”
She came forward, lovingly holding my face with her soft hand, looked straight into my eyes. I could see tears in her eyes. She said “you are a very loving person and you have something very very special about you. You understand me like no one else”
She paused for a while and said again “The problem is, you want your life to be like a story and possibly want many endings to it, as long as you are not convinced which is the best one. But, sadly your life is just one. You cannot have parallel worlds running around you with many life and many beginnings or many endings. Like a story you make a beginning and get confused and lost as to how to end it. That’s why you are always best at the beginning. You are creative, happy, interesting, interested, joyful, playful, and what not. But as the relationships moves on to the next phase, you loose all your creativity, you get confused in giving a direction to it as you always look for a perfect endings. The development of the story is always an issue with you. You try out many things and convince yourself that this is best and perfect way of developing the story. But going ahead you realize that it may not be. And then you don’t know what to do. And you just run away. Leaving what ever you have written so far in middle, with probably no ending”
I saw tears rolling out from eyes. She continued “I never have any problem in being part of your story. Whether you end it your way or whatever way. I know it will end. The very thought that the time has come makes me weak and scared. But I know, the time has come. No matter how much I try to keep you with me, try to convince you, try to love you. You won’t stay. My love is not enough for you, the development of the story is what matters to you”
She got silent after this. I also didn’t come up with anything to say.
I saw her sobbing and curling herself to a small creature. I didn’t made an effort to make her a women. But watched her. “What is she talking about”. I never thought about a story with her. Does she mean to say that I love the thought of being in love than be in love itself? But how is that possible? How can I even think of an ending with her when I am not even sure about the beginning? I was convinced that she is trying her part to convince herself. Of course she will have to find some reason or someone to blame to, if things are not going right. And I don’t mind if she is making me the reason. But the truth is things are not happening the way it should be. What can I do if I am lost in my thoughts. I feel changes happening around me. I do things and I forget, I feel like crying but can’t cry. I miss something and don’t know what I am missing. What can I do if I think that I lost the battle of the life?
I met her few years back. I was in college then. I never imagined life will come to this moment one day.