the darkness

20110909220403_33the darkness was engulfing me slowly. It was getting dark, all getting black around me. I was slowly loosing sight. I could barely see an inch further. I stretched my eyes. I saw her shadow. Yes, she is there for me. I wanted to run towards her and touch her. I saw she raising her hand towards me, I wanted to hold her hand. I tried running. What !!! I can’t move. My legs didn’t move. Something was pulling me back, I could not move. I stretched my hand further. Continue reading

Advertisements

misunderstanding

Last few days, I was feeling restlessness. Why this happens to me, I never understood. Again, I am here but no here. Something was bothering me and I don’t know what.

It was midnight on 22nd November, 2013. I was in the galaxy of my life. I saw me. The other form of me, which I created few days back, looked sad. He came close to me. I looked at him closely. Yes, he was sad. I saw that sadness in his eyes. And I was scared. I didn’t wanted to see that sadness, I didn’t wanted to know anything. I created this me because I wanted it to be happy. But…

We sat together. We were silent. He knew that I didn’t wanted to know what made him sad. But, it was my life only. So, had to know. He said “It’s not your fault. It’s what life is all about”. I wondered what made him say that. He continued “Time never stops, Time never waits. Everyone moves ahead. But, no you don’t believe this. And you created me just with that thought. And I kept on that believe that no matter how time passes, thoughts remain there. It has been tough life for me after the moment you created me. It is because of you and your weakness that I was born with.”

I knew that. I knew that I am weak. I knew that I can’t have everything in one life. I created him so that he can have his own life, which I wish I had. But, may be that too is not possible. May be it’s difficult to create parallel life’s in any form. May be people still want everything in real world. They want everything materialistic. And I know my other form of life can never give anything in return in this life form.

“I told you not to become emotional”, I shouted at him. He looked at me. Smiled and said “Is this you who is saying this? You know very well that I am just you, though you created me for being happy. But, I am just you. And I can’t even survive without being emotional. I can’t survive without letting my emotions out. And that’s what I did. I wanted to be happy. So, I did what made me happy. I was happy as everything happened as I imagined. I never realised that I was getting into a far more worse situation then you ever thought of. It’s not my fault. What can I do if other people looked at life differently? What can I do if people start expecting things in return of emotions? What can I do if people want to see me getting hurt?”

No, not again. I didn’t created him to again get entangled into ‘what is there for me’ kind of paradox. I laughed out loud. Time never changes. No matter how many life form I create. The fact always remain that I am just a weak person. That I can’t hurt people even if they hurt me. That I do care for people, even when all they care is about themselves.

What do I want then? A question, which I never had any answers. May be I just want peace. May be I don’t need this new form of life that I created to be happy. May be I should realize that I have just one life form full of loneliness and sadness.

Suddenly, I felt relaxed, a silent calmness surrounding me. Again, I saw that darkness coming towards me. I knew it will engulf me soon. And it will be a long time till I see that light again. But, I was calm. I was smiling. This time I was prepared. This time I don’t have tears in my eyes. They are too dried up. There was no pain in my heart.

I wish I could continue being happy. I knew I lost it. The night changed my life.

 

Me, my beginings

Two days passed away. Me trying to convince myself that I am in love, she trying to make me convinced that this is love. But, still I am no where. The thought which was bothering me again and again since beginning was ‘am I really running away’. Running away from her, or just running away. Why is that she is not able to convince me? Or rather I convince myself that I am really in love ? What is that I am still looking for?

On the third day. I casually asked her, “Why are you insisting so much that this is love”, instantly realizing that it was a wrong question. She stood still for few minutes. Then suddenly shouted “Just go to hell, since last many days I have been trying to hold you back. Keep you with me. But, no, you won’t stay. Somehow your so called smart brain will find a reason convincing enough to leave me, sooner or later. And I know once you are gone, you are gone. You will never come back. Even if you come back, you will never be the same”

She came forward, lovingly holding my face with her soft hand, looked straight into my eyes. I could see tears in her eyes. She said “you are a very loving person and you have something very very special about you. You understand me like no one else”

She paused for a while and said again “The problem is, you want your life to be like a story and possibly want many endings to it, as long as you are not convinced which is the best one. But, sadly your life is just one. You cannot have parallel worlds running around you with many life and many beginnings or many endings. Like a story you make a beginning and get confused and lost as to how to end it. That’s why you are always best at the beginning. You are creative, happy, interesting, interested, joyful, playful, and what not. But as the relationships moves on to the next phase, you loose all your creativity, you get confused in giving a direction to it as you always look for a perfect endings. The development of the story is always an issue with you. You try out many things and convince yourself that this is best and perfect way of developing the story. But going ahead you realize that it may not be. And then you don’t know what to do.  And you just run away. Leaving what ever you have written so far in middle, with probably no ending”

I saw tears rolling out from eyes. She continued “I never have any problem in being part of your story. Whether you end it your way or whatever way. I know it will end. The very thought that the time has come makes me weak and scared. But I know, the time has come. No matter how much I try to keep you with me, try to convince you, try to love you. You won’t stay. My love is not enough for you, the development of the story is what matters to you”

She got silent after this. I also didn’t come up with anything to say.

I saw her sobbing and curling herself to a small creature. I didn’t made an effort to make her a women. But watched her. “What is she talking about”. I never thought about a story with her. Does she mean to say that I love the thought of being in love than be in love itself? But how is that possible? How can I even think of an ending with her when I am not even sure about the beginning? I was convinced that she is trying her part to convince herself. Of course she will have to find some reason or someone to blame to, if things are not going right. And I don’t mind if she is making me the reason. But the truth is things are not happening the way it should be. What can I do if I am lost in my thoughts. I feel changes happening around me. I do things and I forget, I feel like crying but can’t cry. I miss something and don’t know what I am missing. What can I do if I think that I lost the battle of the life?

I met her few years back. I was in college then. I never imagined life will come to this moment one day.

the love

love or no love? I do not seem to find the answer. Anyway, does it really matter. when I doing what I want to do right now. when I am happy in what I doing right now.

I got up, went up to her. Held her from behind. She turned her face. I looked at those eyes. I thought, Yes I am in Love. I had nothing else to define what I felt. The love, the dreams, the brightness, the mischief, the smile, her eyes showed all to me. Her mesmerizing, listen to my heart looks, was enough for me to make me fall in love again and again.

Is that love? when I just forget myself. get completely lost at something so beautiful. She saw that look in me, turned her face and started doing whatever she was doing. And softly said “Yes, it is love.” I thought, am I so predictable.

She continued, “Yes, it is love, but you cannot experience it. The moment you feel you are getting lost yourself in my eyes, you stop yourself.” Now, what was that? probably I thought it loud. Is she telling the truth. Do I really stop myself loosing myself to her eyes? Why do I do that if I do that at all ?

She turned fully now and looked straight into my eyes “You and your so called ego. The very you, which thinks that its not possible for you, YOU, to melt down to a girl. Your ego does not permit you that. So, instead of going further into my eyes, your brain, stops you, erects walls all around you. And then you are gone. You simply go away. And it becomes impossible to bring you back. It’s not that you don’t love me. But your walls are so strong that probably you will allow no one to even come near you, near the very soul, you think about so much. What you are trying is just giving an explanation or an excuse to run away. Your egoistic brain trying to convince your loving brain that you are not in love, that this is not right, that soulmates do not exist. All that you are trying to do is run away”

Is it possible that I am so very predictable. Of course she is wrong, I thought loud. I know I don’t have an ego problem. May be it’s just her ego, and it’s all explanation what she is trying to give it to herself. How can she even think that I am trying to run away from her. No, that’s wrong. I don’t have anything wrong with her. All I am trying is to give an explanation to my feelings. I am trying to understand the true meaning of life or soulmates.

I knew she was watching the crease that got created in my forehead, when I seriously think about something. I turned my face, before I become too too predictable. And just said “May be”